Write On!The Advice Goddess brings her wit & wisdom to Northern Michigan By Erin Crowell Amy Alkon, syndicated columnist, humorist and author, will tell youhow it is – and she’ll do it with ferocity and flare. Her “Advice Goddess” column has appeared in over 100 newspapers, including theNorthern Express, where her sharp wit and candid humor has earned herdedicated readers – along with a few critics.Alkon will appear as a guest speaker at this year’s National WritersSeries, at the City Opera House, on February 11. She will discusseverything from her weekly column to her newest book, I See Rude People: One woman’s battle to beat some manners into impolite society. Recently, the Express caught up with Alkon via phone while she was at her home in Los Angeles. Here’s what the busy redhead had to say:
NE: How did you come up with the idea for a book on rudeness? Alkon: Well as you know, I’m from Michigan and I actually spent a great deal of my summers as a kid up there. We would go to camp Michigania on Walloon Lake and go around to all the places up there, like Boyne. I’m from the Detroit suburbs and people are much more decent where you guys are; and I’ve experienced what it’s like for much of my life to be around nice, decent people; and then, all of a sudden at some point—maybe 10 years ago—I just woke up and realized we’re all living in Mean Land. Very stressful, we’ve become the ME, ME, ME! Generation and people are just behaving very odiously to each other and this made me very upset and I had to do something about it -- One second, let me just tell my little neighbor I’m home. (In the background) Hello miss Lilly, aww, thanks for the hug. (back on the phone) She gives the best hugs. They’re very well mannered children because their mother teaches them to care about other people.
NE: Speaking of that, I loved the chapter on underparenting. Alkon: Oh yes, I did a reading here in Roman’s in L.A. Oh, (the sound of a small dog barking in the background) Lucy stop that. Naughty. No noise. (Lucy stops barking -- back on the phone) Okay, we’re back. So this reporter comes who’s going to do a piece on me and no sooner do I start talking about kids—I think she’s a bad mother, maybe. Or she feels like I classify her as one—and she threw a tantrum and stormed out of the reading. But, this is the thing: I love hecklers. I had a heckler in Portland and she sat in the middle of the front row and stared at me with a look of hate on her face. In the middle of the reading she finally says, ‘You’re rude!’ and I actually—the funny thing is—all I could say was, ‘well, yes I am. You know, I’m very rude. We’re all rude. I try to recognize the way I’m a jerk and try to be better. We’re all human.’ So, I really love those people who do that, who make it really fun. Sorry, you were asking me?…I got off on a tangent.
NE: That’s okay, actually I was going to say that you have a lot of critics out there. Like you mention in your book, people who say really awful things. How do you deal with that? Alkon: Oh yeah, in my advice column I get people who write me, ‘Dear Bitch,’ you know? I’m used to this. If you can’t take criticism, you can’t write things. The moment you put stuff out there, someone’s going to tell you you’re a bad writer, that you’re ugly, that you look like a man, whatever. I mean, people say the worst things. I’m a big free speacher, so I really want people to communicate whatever it is. So, I don’t mind that stuff.
NE: What would you say is the difference between standing up to somebody and just being a plain bitch? Where does the line draw? Alkon: Well, the coffee place I go to, they have a drink called Witches Brew and I’m like, (in a sing-song voice) ‘Aww, they named it after meee.’ Anyway, I don’t just go around shouting at people. There’s a purpose. Basically, they’re stealing from the rest of us, and that’s what rudeness is. But what people steal from us is our time, our peace of mind, a good night’s sleep. We need to recognize these things so we can say ‘Hey, you can’t do that. You can’t victimize me. You can’t stand here in the drugstore line and be on your cell phone and scream your dull life into my brain.’ So it’s reactive. It’s a defensive. You’re defending against a bad thing rather than just lashing out at people.
NE: In your column, when you get a question worth answering, how do you go about the process of finding an answer? Do you actually have a process or is it just kind of common sense for you? Alkon: Well, actually I do all kinds of research and I read the same journals, I go to the conferences – anthropology, psychology, sexology, other fields that are related, so I really know my stuff. And I just felt a responsibility after starting out giving free advice on street corners as a joke, that I’d better learn something. I didn’t go to school for psychology. But I read everything: Freud, Fritz Perls…and then I discovered Albert Ellis, who is really the father of cognitive behavioral therapy. He’s dead now, but he was something of a mentor. Using reason to solve emotional problems, that’s the basis. Then I used data from studies. I know how to read studies and I’m able to translate sort of ivory tower research that you’d never see and put it in my columns in a way that’s understandable to the average person, so they can use it to make a difference in their life.
NE: Who do you go to for advice? Alkon: Oh, well myself. I mean, if I couldn’t go to me for advice, what would I be worth? I use reason. My first shot at solving any problems is, ‘am I thinking rationally on this? What’s logical?’ I have standards. I have ethical standards. This is the problem with many people who write me. They have no ethics, no standard, no value, so they don’t know how to behave. Then there are people I trust. My boyfriend Gregg is incredibly wise, so I’ll ask him for all sorts of advice on things I know he’s better at giving. I’m the kind of person who likes to be told I’m wrong, but only by people whose minds I respect. Also, my little sister. She’s wise.
NE: What’s the age difference between the two of you? Alkon: My sister and me? Umm, I think it’s five years. I never remember. I barely remember how old I am. I only remember because people in L.A. don’t tell their age and I don’t want to be associated with that. So I know I’m 45, and I can tell people I’m 45. And I don’t use Botox, and never intend to. I plan to wrinkle. You see 70-year-old women in this town and their faces look like a bowling ball. It’s frightening.
NE: Another reporter here, Anne Stanton, is actually interviewing Gregg. Alkon: Oh, she is? Oh, I met her.
NE: She’s interviewing Gregg, and– Alkon: About me? Or something else?
NE: Well, that’s what I was going ask. I’m guessing she would ask him some questions about you. Are you worried about that? Alkon: Oh, no. He would never say anything to hurt me. He’s very funny. This is probably TMI, but I have ADD or ADHD and he completely gets me. Before he asks me something important he says, ‘Do I have your completely divided attention?’ (laughs). Yeah, he’s great. We’ve been together for seven years—in case you’re going to ask this—and personally I don’t believe in marriage, I don’t have kids… but I don’t believe in marriage for myself or living together. So we live apart. We’re sort of dating and so I always miss him. And every morning I can’t wait to talk to him on the phone. He shot the cover of my book.
NE: So do you plan on staying in that stage of just living separately? Alkon: Well, it doesn’t feel like a stage. ‘Stage’ sounds so bad. It sounds like you’re on your way to juvey hall or something. We’re just happy. I don’t see any reason to do anything differently. Personally, I think relationships end because people get bored with each other. We’re not bored with each other. I never thought I’d be with someone this long, because I get bored easily. But he’s smart and interesting and he’s very sweet.
NE: So do you guys have any plans for Valentine’s Day? Alkon: I hate Valentine’s Day. It’s so stupid. No, in fact I forgot it was Valentine’s. I find it our national day of insincerity. People who are horrible to each other all year ‘round will spend money on, I don’t know, chocolate crap for each other, or some night in some hotel. But my boyfriend is sweet to me all the time. He’s romantic. We danced in my doorway the other day. That’s our life all week. People who let their relationships go and take them for granted, they’re the ones who need Valentine’s Day. I think people should make every day Valentine’s Day -- if that doesn’t sound too sappy.
NE: You’re coming up for the National Writers Series. Are you excited about returning to your vacation area? Alkon: Actually, the coolest thing is the Northern Express was the second paper to pick me up and I’ve been in your paper for like, a really long time, and I know people there and I like people in Northern Michigan. Hagerty used to be my classic car insurance company. They’re really nice. I mean, I’m just happy to come up there, and also happy for this cause. Plus, I’m really excited because up there, they have been writing to me for years and years and years; and I wanna meet some of them. It’s just a thrill.
NE: What kinds of questions do you get on a regular basis? Alkon: Insane! Totally insane! This guy—I haven’t done the column yet—but his girlfriend wrote me because he has a fetish –well it’s not really a fetish, but a perihelia – but he likes to see her in wet blue jeans and she wants to break up with him; and her sister says she should. It’s like, okay, it’s not like he’s binding you and hanging you from the chandelier. But, is getting in the bathtub with a pair of blue jeans a really sick and horrible thing for you? She really likes the guy, this is nuts. It might be a little weird. But many people are weird.
NE: Is there anything else you’d like to add about your book? Alkon: At the root of manners is empathy. It’s caring about other people – knowing that other people exist, and not inflicting yourself on others.
The National Writers Series hosts Amy Alkon at the City Opera House, in Traverse City, on February 11. Alkon will discuss her book “I See Rude People,” along with her experience writing as a nationally syndicated advice columnist. The event features complimentary Indiancurries and food from Wellington Street Market, chocolates, music,silent auction and free tarot card reading. Doors open at 6 p.m., withthe event starting at 7 p.m. Afterglow reception to follow, along withpersonal book signing with Alkon. Tickets, $20 at the door, $15 forseniors, $10 for students, with discounts available for advancetickets. Visit CityOperaHouse.org or TreatTickets.com. Moreinformation on the National Writers Series available at NationalWritersSeries.org.
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