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An Exercise of Power

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The Answer to History‘s Greatest Mysteries

George Foster - June 9th, 2005
Thirty-some years ago, the identity of Deep Throat was the hottest issue from the most sensational scandal of the 20th century. In that spirit, here are the greatest unsolved mysteries and a stab at the answer by a noted clairvoyant - me.
Where is Osama bin Laden? The notorious terrorist is last known to have evaporated in the mountains of Tora Bora, Afghanistan. Why the world’s most famous face can’t be sniffed out by the biggest manhunt in history and a $25 million reward is a bigger mystery than his whereabouts itself.
The answer is obvious to me: bin Laden has shed his robe and turban, shaved his beard and is living a decedent life at various Club Meds under the alias of doorknob salesman Sam Laden. As a former rich playboy, bin Laden knows this fast lane as well as the Khyber Pass. In his former life bin Laden dedicated himself to booze and broads before he converted to bombs and Allah.
Who killed John F. Kennedy? It must be the man already blamed for every evil outcome since 1992: Bill Clinton. No less authority than the Internet has already convicted the former president of Vince Foster’s death, cooperating with Timothy McVeigh before the Oklahoma City bombing, and being ultimately responsible for the 9/11 attacks.
Did you notice that evil look in his eye in the famous photo of young Clinton shaking Kennedy’s hand? We all know that Clinton wanted to be like Kennedy, so what better way to replace your idol than murdering him?
It takes just a tiny leap of faith to realize that an armed Clinton could have been lying in the grassy knoll with one of his female friends on November 22, 1963 during the presidential motorcade in Dallas.
Woodward and Bernstein have come forward to identify a former government operative as the famous Deep Throat - but is he? Many White House officials cannot believe someone so removed from the Nixon administration could have provided the information attributed to Deep Throat.
The real answer: Richard M. Nixon himself. Helping with the Watergate investigation during his presidential term insured his early resignation. Tired of being a lampooned target of so much hatred, our “Deep Throat” president was relieved to retire to a secluded life of writing books and being a fanatical Washington Redskins football fan.
Please don’t ask me, though, for any more answers to history’s mysteries. Some things should always be left up to our imagination.






 
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