Letters 10-24-2016

It’s Obama’s 1984 Several editions ago I concluded a short letter to the editor with an ominous rhetorical flourish: “Welcome to George Orwell’s 1984 and the grand opening of the Federal Department of Truth!” At the time I am sure most of the readers laughed off my comments as right-wing hyperbole. Shame on you for doubting me...

Gun Bans Don’t Work It is said that mass violence only happens in the USA. A lone gunman in a rubber boat, drifted ashore at a popular resort in Tunisia and randomly shot and killed 38 mostly British and Irish tourists. Tunisian gun laws, which are among the most restrictive in the world, didn’t stop this mass slaughter. And in January 2015, two armed men killed 11 and wounded 11 others in an attack on the French satirical magazine Charlie Hebdo. French gun laws didn’t stop these assassins...

Scripps’ Good Deed No good deed shall go unpunished! When Dan Scripps was the 101st District State Representative, he introduced legislation to prevent corporations from contaminating (e.g. fracking) or depleting (e.g. Nestle) Michigan’s water table for corporate profit. There are no property lines in the water table, and many of us depend on private wells for abundant, safe, clean water. In the subsequent election, Dan’s opponents ran a negative campaign almost solely on the misrepresentation that Dan’s good deed was a government takeover of your private water well...

Political Definitions As the time to vote draws near it’s a good time to check into what you stand for. According to Dictionary.com the meanings for liberal and conservative are as follows:

Liberal: Favorable to progress or reform as in political or religious affairs.

Conservative: Disposed to preserve existing conditions, institutions, etc., or to restore traditions and limit change...

Voting Takes A Month? Hurricane Matthew hit the Florida coast Oct. 6, over three weeks before Election Day. Bob Ross (Oct. 17th issue) posits that perhaps evacuation orders from Governor Scott may have had political motivations to diminish turnout and seems to praise Hillary Clinton’s call for Gov. Scott to extend Florida’s voter registration deadline due to evacuations...

Clinton Foundation Facts Does the Clinton Foundation really spend a mere 10 percent (per Mike Pence) or 20 percent (per Reince Priebus) of its money on charity? Not true. Charity Watch gives it an A rating (the same as it gives the NRA Foundation) and says it spends 88 percent on charitable causes, and 12 percent on overhead. Here is the source of the misunderstanding: The Foundation does give only a small percentage of its money to charitable organizations, but it spends far more money directly running a number of programs...

America Needs Change Trump supports our constitution, will appoint judges that will keep our freedoms safe. He supports the partial-birth ban; Hillary voted against it. Regardless of how you feel about Trump, critical issues are at stake. Trump will increase national security, monitor refugee admissions, endorse our vital military forces while fighting ISIS. Vice-presidential candidate Mike Pence will be an intelligent asset for the country. Hillary wants open borders, increased government regulation, and more demilitarization at a time when we need strong military defenses...

My Process For No I will be voting “no” on Prop 3 because I am supportive of the process that is in place to review and approve developments. I was on the Traverse City Planning Commission in the 1990s and gained an appreciation for all of the work that goes into a review. The staff reviews the project and makes a recommendation. The developer then makes a presentation, and fellow commissioners and the public can ask questions and make comments. By the end of the process, I knew how to vote for a project, up or down. This process then repeats itself at the City Commission...

Regarding Your Postcard If you received a “Vote No” postcard from StandUp TC, don’t believe their lies. Prop 3 is not illegal. It won’t cost city taxpayers thousands of dollars in legal bills or special elections. Prop 3 is about protecting our downtown -- not Munson, NMC or the Commons -- from a future of ugly skyscrapers that will diminish the very character of our downtown...

Vote Yes It has been suggested that a recall or re-election of current city staff and Traverse City Commission would work better than Prop 3. I disagree. A recall campaign is the most divisive, costly type of election possible. Prop 3, when passed, will allow all city residents an opportunity to vote on any proposed development over 60 feet tall at no cost to the taxpayer...

Yes Vote Explained A “yes” vote on Prop 3 will give Traverse City the right to vote on developments over 60 feet high. It doesn’t require votes on every future building, as incorrectly stated by a previous letter writer. If referendums are held during general elections, taxpayers pay nothing...

Beware Trump When the country you love have have served for 33 years is threatened, you have an obligation and a duty to speak out. Now is the time for all Americans to speak out against a possible Donald Trump presidency. During the past year Trump has been exposed as a pathological liar, a demagogue and a person who is totally unfit to assume the presidency of our already great country...

Picture Worth 1,000 Words Nobody disagrees with the need for affordable housing or that a certain level of density is dollar smart for TC. The issue is the proposed solution. If you haven’t already seen the architect’s rendition for the site, please Google “Pine Street Development Traverse City”...

Living Wage, Not Tall Buildings Our community deserves better than the StandUp TC “vote no” arguments. They are not truthful. Their yard signs say: “More Housing. Less Red Tape. Vote like you want your kids to live here.” The truth: More housing, but for whom? At what price..

Home · Articles · News · Features · True Love, Wherefore Art Thou?
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True Love, Wherefore Art Thou?

Valerie Kirn-Duensing - February 12th, 2004
William Shakespeare’s love sonnets are often quoted on Valentine‘s Day. But according to marriage therapist Leslie Graham, M.A., perhaps the best Shakespearean quote is “to thine own self be true.” Forget the love, sweet-smelling roses and “Romeo where are you?” stuff.
Graham, a licensed Traverse City therapist with more than 25 years of counseling and teaching experience, says a big problem she encounters with couples is their heads are full of myths, misconceptions and unrealistic ideas about love and relationships. The reason these myths and misconceptions exist is that people don’t really know themselves very well and therefore don’t understand why they do the things they do (or don’t do the things they should do).
Most relationship problems involve what Graham calls “the big three,” which are money, sex and religion. Our ideas regarding the big three are deeply rooted in our family of origin, or in other words, the environment we grew up in. And while Graham agrees some of these ideas can be gleaned from the popular media, the most seminal, rooted ideas come from those tender first years of our lives. To complicate matters, many of these beliefs can sometimes be subconscious and sabotage our relationships behind our backs.
“As human beings, we live what we learn,” says Graham. “Like it or not.”
Some of the more common relationship misconceptions Graham has encountered throughout her years of practice are:
• Married couples are supposed to spend every waking moment together.
• Married couples should never fight or disagree – especially in front of the children.
• Every day should be as romantic as the first day you met.
• Sex is not that important.
• Men and women should communicate the same way.
•  Other people have perfect mates, why don’t I?

Graham herself was guilty of holding the misconception that married people shouldn’t argue or disagree with one another, as her parents –- who are still married -- never did. Graham took this myth into her first marriage and discovered later that her mother had often been down in the basement crying bitterly over the pain of not being able to disagree in front of the children. What Graham had “perceived” as the right way to be, was in reality very destructive and placed a heavy toll on her marriage.
To find out if you have a misconception or two, you have to get to know yourself better. Graham says to sit down and put some thought into what your “truths” are regarding the big three. You should also make a list of things you are not willing to compromise on, such as having or not having children. Also helpful is to envision your life in five years, 10 years and even further down the road. Then share all of this information with your spouse or significant other to let him or her know who you really are. If there is a conflict, explore it and analyze it without laying blame. It may be that certain portions of your ideas on love and marriage are unrealistic and need to be altered and then again, perhaps the person you are involved with is riddled with misconceptions. There is only one way to find out…dig deep.
“Honesty is crucial in any serious relationship,” Graham stresses. “Don’t be afraid to lose your partner if he or she is in complete opposition to your truths or life plans. Believe me, in these instances it is always hurt now or hurt later and the hurting later, after marriage and children, is always much worse.”

For those who are dating, Graham also says it is helpful to stop thinking in terms of “life-long partner.” She suggests you stay in the moment and take it one date at a time, for a long time. Really analyze yourself and question why it bothers you, for instance, if your date has a bald spot or hates to cook. These may be red flags that you are harboring unrealistic ideas. Above all, don’t judge by appearances, because it is a well-known fact that sexuality and attraction come from the intellect.
If you are married and are having problems, Graham says to be prepared to shoulder at least 50% of the blame.
“When an someone comes to me for help with their relationship, I always start with them and leave their mate out of it,” Graham says. “I tell them there are no perfect people or relationships and then ask them to figure out what half of the problem they are responsible for.”
This is a difficult task for most because all humans naturally seek to place the blame elsewhere. Once, however, a client has accepted the idea of being partially to blame, then, says Graham, she is able to move in and work on the problem, which can sometimes be a relationship myth or misconception.
Usually the biggest obstacle to overcome is this idea of a “perfect” relationship or mate. Graham claims most relationships are dysfunctional in one way or another. Her job is to figure out the level of dysfunction then identify the source (or sources, as the case may be).
“I work a lot on acceptance of individual differences and focus on gratitude for what we have,” says Graham. “I also try to replace negative thoughts with positive ones.”
On a positive note, Graham states that many relationships can be improved by doing a few simple things such as treating your spouse the way you would like to be treated. Or try to think in terms of what you can do to make your spouse’s life better. Above all, don’t keep track of all the little transgressions your partner has committed. Only keep track of what you do. Graham claims that the age-old adage of “what goes around, comes around” is especially true for love relationships.
The most crucial step of this process, however, is to be willing to examine yourself with a critical eye. Is there a “Cinderella” myth lurking somewhere deep in your psyche or perhaps there’s a macho-man misconception bullying your subconscious around. The good news is you can learn to re-create a new definition of love and therefore develop a healthy, mutually-rewarding relationship.
Want to learn more? Graham will be presenting a free lecture on the topic of relationship myths and misconceptions at 7 p.m., Thursday, Feb 12, in Pavilion Rooms 8 and 9 at Munson Medical Center in Traverse City. Call 1-800-662-6766 for more information.
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