Letters

Letters 08-03-2015

Real Brownfields Deserve Dollars I read with interest the story on Brownfield development dollars in the July 20 issue. I applaud Dan Lathrop and other county commissioners who voted “No” on the Randolph Street project...

Hopping Mad Carlin Smith is hopping mad (“Will You Get Mad With Me?” 7-20-15). Somebody filed a fraudulent return using his identity, and he’s not alone. The AP estimates the government “pays more than $5 billion annually in fraudulent tax refunds.” Well, many of us have been hopping mad for years. This is because the number one tool Congress has used to fix this problem has been to cut the IRS budget –by $1.2 billion in the last 5 years...

Just Grumbling, No Solutions Mark Pontoni’s grumblings [recent Northern Express column] tell us much about him and virtually nothing about those he chooses to denigrate. We do learn that Pontoni may be the perfect political candidate. He’s arrogant, opinionated and obviously dimwitted...

A Racist Symbol I have to respond to Gordon Lee Dean’s letter claiming that the confederate battle flag is just a symbol of southern heritage and should not be banned from state displays. The heritage it represents was the treasonous effort to continue slavery by seceding from a democratic nation unwilling to maintain such a consummate evil...

Not So Thanks I would like to thank the individual who ran into and knocked over my Triumph motorcycle while it was parked at Lowe’s in TC on Friday the 24th. The $3,000 worth of damage was greatly appreciated. The big dent in the gas tank under the completely destroyed chrome badge was an especially nice touch...

Home · Articles · News · Random Thoughts · Driving my Hummer
. . . .

Driving my Hummer

George Foster - March 25th, 2004
I don’t know when I first fell in love with the Hummer.
It could have been during intense scenes of Black Hawk Down or at one of the Terminator flicks. The sight of enemy shells blasting off the chassis of those glorious Humvees, while the good guys are hunkered down inside, making their getaway, is enough to start me salivating.
In my wildest dreams, I visualize my hair blowing in the wind and debris splattering everywhere as my open-top Hummer and I climb over boulders and bulldoze through muddy rivers. More than 300 horses on the floor laugh at all obstacles in our path. Grille guards protect the few areas on my vehicle vulnerable to collisions – so back off, dude.
If my Hummer does force you off the road into a ditch, do not be alarmed. Shortly, it can pull you back to safety with the Hummer’s front-hitch mounted portable winch. Of course, in the city, traffic jams part whenever a Hummer arrives. As in Moses and the Red Sea, others can only step aside and stare in awe as my Hummer and I journey once more to the gas station.
Just in case you don’t know of what I speak, Hummers are those ultra-wide automobiles, taking up two lanes of highway. Previously a novelty, they are seen more and more on the road in recent years and always driven by the coolest guys in town. Hummers are based on the military Humvee and began production in 1992. Since military issued Humvees are unavailable for consumer use, a Hummer is the next best thing.
I have never owned one but Hummer ownership is my ultimate dream. For me, purchase of this behemoth is the measure by which I will eventually judge my life. I know… they cost a fortune ($50,000-$70,000 base plus accessories) and get a measly 10 miles or so per gallon of gasoline. Additionally, despite the jarring price tag on each vehicle, Hummers have gotten very low marks for quality of manufacturing.
I am aware those and any other pitfall you can argue. Still, there are many compelling reasons to own a Hummer – here are a few.
Driving a Hummer is good for the environment. Think about it. The planet is quickly running out of fossil fuels as the West continuous to burn oil at an increasing, gluttonous rate. Meanwhile, evil dictators, sitting on top of the world’s largest oil reserves, are holding the rest of the world hostage to their prices and tyrannical practices – a recipe for disaster, right?
Not if more of us owned Hummers. Such gas-guzzlers are actually accelerating the day that we run out of oil and finally develop our own renewable energy sources. We can all agree when that day comes, Americans will be far better off.
Safety. Every consumer report I’ve ever read concludes that the bigger the vehicle you drive, the more likely you are to survive a collision. Hummers are the biggest, baddest vehicles on the road – a virtual Sherman tank. The $70,000 models will set up a buffer zone of 9000 pounds of steel between any looming danger in your path and the passengers inside (you, your family and friends - bring the whole neighborhood, there is plenty of room in the newer models).
Driving a Hummer is a statement. For some, Hummer owners are dripping with a shallow, egomania that covers up for an inferiority complex carried over from childhood. I dispute that image. My view is that driving a Hummer around town is an opportunity to express one’s patriotism. If John Wayne were here today, you can bet he would be driving a Hummer. I understand Arnold Swartzenegger owns eight – now there is a true patriot. After all, Arnold knows driving a Hummer is as American as apple pie and chasing women.
Cruising around in a near-military vehicle shows solidarity with our troops. What would you rather be driving if attacked by terrorists here – a Toyota hybrid? Best of all, Hummers are manufactured by General Motors in the good old USA. So, now you know - Hummer owners are concerned with societal issues and not the superficial, conceited louts as portrayed.
Getting chicks. What woman can resist a guy who drives a car that costs more than a house. The ladies also know that Hummer owners are macho, charismatic, sexy, and very successful. BMW and Corvette owners: you are out of luck. Women have moved on to chasing guys in Hummers.
I only hope they can wait 20 more years while I am saving to buy one.



 
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