March 29, 2024

Danger Everywhere

Aug. 30, 2006
You have to give the human race credit: if there’s a beautiful, untouched spot anywhere on earth that inspires an uplifting, spiritual experience just by its very existence, then you can be sure there’s some busybody scheming to do whatever it takes to wreck it.
Such is often the case right here in Northern Michigan.
There’s a plan in the works to drain Boardman Pond -- also known as Keystone Pond -- a lovely mirror of nature just south of Traverse City.
According to engineers working with Michigan’s DNR and DEQ, if a 104-year-old dam downstream from the pond ever collapsed or overfilled its rim, the resulting splash could give a few area businesses and residents a bad case of soggy shorts.
Someone could even get killed.
So the State wants to drain this 103-acre pond -- a placid jewel brimming with bird and wildlife habitat just south of town.
Whoops -- I mean this dangerous, deadly pond.
Personally, I‘ve strolled past the dam in question a number of times and it doesn‘t appear to be a pushover at any time soon. Admittedly, I’m an ignoramus rather than an engineer, but to my untrained eye it seems unlikely that the entire dam could simply collapse with a kaboom, unleashing the tidal wave of Boardman Pond.
And the pond is so shallow that you can barely paddle a kayak across it. I always have to get out of my boat and drag it across this perilous pond, which can’t be much more than six inches deep for long stretches.
Come to think of it, aren’t there more serious threats for the State to focus on?
It’s possible, for instance, that a small asteroid could plunge into Lake Michigan, throwing up a tsunami that could wipe out Petoskey, Traverse City and all of our coastal towns. Not likely, but possible.
Shouldn’t we evacuate these towns to play it safe?
And as we know from recent headlines, it’s possible that al Queda terrorists (masquerading as itinerant cell phone merchants) could wire 1,000 cell phones with tiny bombs and -- using duct tape to stick them to the girders -- blow up the Mackinac Bridge. Not likely, but possible enough to make the national news.
Shouldn’t we close the bridge, just in case? Truckers and motorists are in peril.
And I hate to think of it, but there could be a landslide at the 300-foot-high Sleeping Bear Dune Climb, literally drowning hundreds of tourists in a horrible dust storm of choking sand. Not likely, but still, an engineering study could be found to confirm this possibility.
Shouldn’t the Dune Climb be shut down just to be on the safe side?
There’s danger everywhere. The giant crucifix at Indian River could be struck by lightning and fall on someone’s head... Our woods are full of porcupines: some weary hiker could sit on a porcupine and get needles in his rear-end, etc., etc.
Everyone knows that there’s lots of ice up here in the winter and sometimes people slip and fall. Wouldn’t it be a good idea for the State to mandate padded leather suits for every citizen and helmets for their own protection?
Or how about mandating padded rubber rooms to protect us from those who are trying to protect us? As in the idea of draining lovely Boardman Pond.

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