John McCain has a lot of wear on his tires. Five years in a Vietnamese prison camp played hell with his health, and hes also battled skin cancer three times. If he takes office at the age of 72, McCain will be two years away from the average life expectancy of the American male.
So, its nice to know that he picked someone younger just in case.
But Sarah Palin? Shes been governor of one of the least-populated states in the country for just two years. Prior to that, she was mayor of Wasilla, a town of 7,000 people.
If youve ever been to the eyesore of Wasilla, Alaska, rest assured, you wouldnt want anyone from that dirt patch town of junk cars and snowmobile wrecks to rise above the post of a dog catcher. For starters, Wasilla has an unemployment rate of 11.2 percent, compared to the national average of 5.8 -- it‘s George Bushs America.
Yet this is the person we want with her finger on the nuclear button if John McCain kicks the day after the election?
The odds of this happening are fairly high: Eight American presidents out of 43 have died in office -- thats a little over a one-in-five possibility. President James Garfield was shot four months after he took office in 1881 and died that September. William McKinley was elected in 1900, and assassinated the following year.
But McCain could more likely go the way of William Harrison, who was elected in 1840. Harrison gave the longest inauguration speech in history -- one hour and 45 minutes -- in a pounding rainstorm with no hat or overcoat. He got sick, caught pneumonia, and died 31 days after taking office.
Ah, but Sarah Palin has already shown what kind of horse-sense shes got. She doesnt believe in sex education for kids, preferring the abstinence only teachings that have served her 17-year-old daughter Bristol so well.
And did anyone remind this lady that she‘s got five kids -- including a newborn -- and that being vice president of the United States might sort of get in the way of the mom thing?
Speaking of her mom credentials, to cap it all off, she has actually given her blessing to her daughter marrying an 18-year-old whos still a kid himself. On his MySpace page, prospective husband Levi Johnston says hes a redneck who likes to snowboard, go fishing, ride dirt bikes, go camping and hang out with the boys. He warns that you mess with him, Ill kick (your) ass.
Okay, fair enough -- thats the whiskey talkin -- but this manchild also states on his webpage that, I dont want kids.
Well, so what? Folks have been getting married in the Red states at the age of 14 since God knows when, often at the end of a shotgun barrel, and thats what got staged for Bristol & Levi last week at the Republican Convention. Sounds like hes got a promising future with Taco Bell.
But these days, most parents wouldnt dream of letting their 17-year-old marry an 18-year-old self-professed redneck. Can you imagine what the Republicans would make of this if this was Joe Biden‘s daughter?
It makes you wonder: why didnt John McCain pick his pal Joe Lieberman to be his running mate like he wanted in the first place?
Answer: Joe looks like hell in a dress.
Heres a better idea: offer Sarah Palin a speaking part in the upcoming film, Idiocracy II, and ditch her for a gal whos already got on-the-job experience: Geena Davis.
Geena Davis served as president from 2005-2006 for 19 episodes of the Commander in Chief television show. This was following the unexpected death of President Teddy Bridges.
Geena is a trained actress and will be able to recite lines such as George Bush wasnt so bad with a straight face. Plus, shes got credentials as a warrior fit to lead our nation: Check out 1995s Cutthroat Island where Geena played a swashbuckling lady pirate -- its better than the last Pirates of the Caribbean. And she didnt take any guff in Thelma & Louise either -- play that one for Vladimir Putin.
Plus, shes got a closet full of ball gowns and knows how to walk a red carpet -- perfect for affairs of state. Wouldnt we all feel safer with Golden Globe winner Geena Davis behind John McCain on Inauguration Day? If Dan Quayle could be VP, then so can Geena.