Please dont vote. No, seriously. Why bother?
Lets face it all the candidates for every office are either
worthless or no better than the other guy or gal. We know this
because weve been told that for months now. One party is pretty much
just like the other and neither side seems to have more than an ounce
or two of common sense. Many of you are now counting on some tea party
candidate, or sympathizer, to really stir things up, restore the
Constitution, cut spending reduce taxes, blah, blah, blah. Or you
want some liberal to maintain or expand social services, tax the rich,
end the war, blah, blah, blah. Please. We all know theyll be
co-opted by the special interest groups and Washingtons 40,000
lobbyists within a few weeks. Anything they say now will be so much
rhetorical dust by this time next year.
Besides, the polling place is off at some school you may or may not
know how to get to and the weather will probably be crummy and the
entire thing is just damned inconvenient.
So, please, dont bother to vote.
And dont worry about it. I, and others, will vote for you. No need
to thank us but youre welcome.
Well decide which people represent you in Lansing and in Washington.
Well decide how high your taxes should be. Do you want them to be a
lot lower? Do you want the rich to pay more? Hey, well take all that
What would you like us to do about Social Security and Medicare?
Would you like them to still be around when you or your children are
eligible to avail themselves of one or both? Pretty important
questions but theres no need to trouble yourself with the
inconvenience of voting. Well make those decisions for you. Maybe
well rescue one of them or maybe even both of them. Well let you
We know unemployment is at a crisis level here. And weve heard
nearly every candidate talk about growing jobs. They were all a
little weak on specifics with all their talk about sustainable
industry and energy and the so-called green jobs and re-inventing
Michigan. It all sounded like a lot of gibberish to us but were
willing to make the necessary sacrifices to sort out all this
silliness and figure it out for you. Well probably elect exactly the
right people to restore Michigans job picture and start everyone on
the road to recovery. Probably.
What about illegal immigration? Round em up and send em back or a
comprehensive immigration policy? Havent made up your mind? Were
not sure ourselves but well let you know what we decided after weve
made the decision. Were pretty sure well vote the way you wanted us
What do you want us to do about abortion? Are you a pro-lifer or a
pro-choicer? Well, frankly, we believe this is the kind of intensely
personal decision wed rather not get into. So well just vote our
conscience on this and youll just have to take our word for it that
we had your wishes in mind.
Before we get to any additional issues we should address the myth that
every vote counts. Cmon. Sure, in 1960, had just one person per
precinct voted for Richard Nixon instead of John Kennedy wed have had
a different president. But that was a fluke. And in the 2000
presidential election in Florida... well, no one seems to be
absolutely sure just what the final vote count was but it was really,
really close. (By the way, for those Democrats who cant seem to let
it go, George W. Bush won in Florida, was elected president and then
re-elected in 2004. All the whining and conspiracy theories in the
world will never change any of that.)
I was once involved in an election that ended in an actual tie on
election night and went through three recounts before my client won by
24 votes out of about 60,000 total ballots cast. A couple of others
ended up requiring recounts, too.
But dont let any of that discourage you from staying home on Tuesday.
Those close elections are the exception, not the rule. At least Im
pretty sure they are. Even the authors of Freakonomics“ a best
seller of a few years ago, postulated that so few elections are close
that voting becomes an exercise that means little in terms of the
Some of you would like to overturn the healthcare reforms of the last
year. Its entirely possible we voters will elect people who will try
to do just that. Or maybe not.
Others of you want to restore our Constitution. Were not
completely sure what that means and were not aware it needs
restoration but well try to keep it in mind.
How about foreign policy and the military? You want us to nuke Iran?
Or maybe get completely out of the Middle East? Im sure well find a
way to accommodate both positions because weve carefully weighed
every contingency and are fully prepared to protect your interests.
In fact, weve done that on all other issues, too. We voters are very
conscientious so you dont have to be.
If the people we elect dont happen to agree with you, so what?
Theyre all the same anyway, right?
So dont worry about a thing. Just stay home next Tuesday. Weve got