The Fearless Forecast for 2003

Dec. 25, 2002

You may think it‘s insane to even attempt predictions for next year in such turbulent times. However, the following conclusions come from a tested, reliable source - the feeling in my bones. Best wishes for 2003.
(1) Senator Trent Lott, after 73 apologies, is forgiven for his racist comments and continues to serve in the Senate. African-Americans tell Lott “enough already“ when he threatens to join the NAACP, lobby congress for reparations to blacks for slavery, and burn Confederate flags though-out Mississippi.
(2) The Detroit Lions will become a playoff team next year. The Lions make the playoffs by being patient with QB Joey Harrington, drafting Charles Rodgers from MSU, and using any number of ball boys for on-the-field decisions instead of Coach Morningweh.
(3) Al Gore grows his hideous beard again and finally finds his calling after retiring from politics - as a comedian. The formerly robot-like VP will host a talk show setting off tremors in the camps of David Letterman and Jay Leno.
(4) The new World Trade Center will become the tallest building in the world. It will then be demolished voluntarily when employees of new companies in the tower refuse to ever come to work.
(5) The Petoskey nurses‘ strike will be settled and the results will benefit all of northern Michigan after the picket signs are laid down for good.
(6) Colin Powell quits the Bush administration early in 2003. For some reason, Powell feels that the dispute with Iraq should be settled within the parameters of international law and the United Nations, not by unilateral U.S. action. Who does Powell think he is: a decorated combat veteran and former head of the joint-chiefs-of-staff or something?
(7) A peace accord between Israel and the Palestinians will shock the world. Finally, Palestinians become as tired of being mauled by Israeli soldiers as Jews are of being victims of terrorist violence. Additionally, it is inevitable that the Bush administration will finally get onboard and realize the Palestinian question is the number one obstacle to peace in the mid-east, not Iraq.
(8) A major terrorist attack against U.S. interests will take place derailing our efforts against Iraq. The terrorists know we have spread our security defenses too thin by amassing thousands of troops and expending billions of dollars targeting Iraq.
(9) Detroit will be out after the first round of the Stanley Cup playoffs. Injured Red Wings Yzerman and Fischer will not be ready and Curtis Joseph is no Dominik Hasek.
(10) Osama bin Laden will be captured in 2003 - dead or alive. George W. Bush will finally have the head of the man most wanted for the 9/11 attacks.
(11) John Edwards (who?) becomes the frontrunner for the democratic nomination for President of the United States. The democrats will continue their sometimes-winning strategy of finding obscure moderates (i.e. Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton) down in Old Dixie in order to carry southern states.
(12) Pete Rose will be voted into the Hall of Fame, followed eventually by Shoeless Joe Jackson. Rose would not be the first guy integrity-challenged to be inducted with baseball‘s elite. After all, Cooperstown is not known as the Jerk-free Hall of Good Ethics. It is the Hall of Fame.
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