Why We Need a Baseball Strike

Aug. 28, 2002

As baseball‘s deadline of August 30th looms ahead, the players and owners should be more than a little uneasy. No one really feels sorry for 750 millionaires fighting over how to distribute their loot with 30 billionaires. Besides, these conceited punks are ruining the greatest game ever invented by men to perpetuate childhood.
Would Ty Cobb comprehend striking .220 hitters making over $10,000 per game? Could former Commissioner Judge Landis be merciful to players arrested for punching their wives? Would Joe DiMaggio refuse to play in an All-Star game because not enough fans voted for him? Not for one second.
It is high time there was a baseball strike... BY THE FANS. What would happen to baseball if fans decided not to attend games, listen to baseball on radio or television, or buy any of the game‘s merchandise? One thing is sure - players and owners would discover humility overnight.
LET‘S DO IT. Make yourself a picket sign and repeat after me, “I, ______, promise to turn off all baseball broadcasts, throw away the sports section of newspapers, boycott major league stadiums, and reprimand anyone I see doing otherwise so help me Babe Ruth.“ Bringing baseball to a grinding halt by sports fans is the only way to save the game. This baseball stoppage will continue until our strike demands are met. And here they are:
Demand #1. Under no circumstances will labor strikes be allowed in mid-season. Taking the national pastime away from us during baseball season has permanently damaged our country. When we men don‘t have our summer baseball, there is bound to be high-voltage tension between family members and skyrocketing crime statistics. Talk about cruelty. Since football, basketball, and hockey don‘t begin until fall, what is left for us to do during baseball season?
Demand #2. Test for performance enhancing drugs. With all the record-breaking hitting accomplishments of today, it is obvious that many players cheat by ingesting drugs. In addition to the players, don‘t forget to test the owners, managers, and coaches who supervise players. There are also food vendors, announcers, and ballboys. Actually, the fans need to be tested for drugs, too, upon entry into the stadium. It is the only way to insure pristine baseball as it was intended to be played.
Demand #3. Teach umpires how to uniformly judge balls and strikes. These are supposedly grown men who know the game and have superior eyesight. Yet, some umps consistently call a strike zone that is a foot outside or inches above home plate. What is that all about? Let‘s buy some specs for these nearly blind dudes and call strikes as Abner Doubleday intended: duh...on balls thrown over the plate between the knees and shoulders.
Demand #4. No more revenue sharing. Yes, this provision is meant to bring equity between the mega-market teams and the smaller city squads but who needs it? We can all agree on one thing: the world was a better place when the Damn Yankees dominated baseball. Historically, the 25 best players in the league play for the Yankees and the rest play for the 29 poorer teams. The Yankees predictably win but the other teams have fun vying for second place.
Demand #5. Get rid of the designated hitter rule in the American League. We ain‘t gonna stand for no more stinkin‘ DH‘s. Let the old has-beens and one-dimensional guys go back to AA minors or the Mexican League where they belong.
There still may be time to save baseball. Strike with me now or forever hold your peace.