A Modest Proposal

Dec. 11, 2015

Republicans want to impose pointless, demeaning conditions on women seeking abortions as means to discourage the exercise of their Constitutional rights.

These are the same Republicans who want the unconditional freedom to buy assault weapons. I propose we apply the same rules across the board, and require every assault weapon buyer to meet the same conditions as a woman seeking an abortion.

First some context: We watch mothers and fathers and politicians and police and onlookers struggle to speak after each mass shooting. Grief mutes their words. But the broken windows, bloody bodies, Gaby Giffords’ misshapen skull, cry out.

Then we forget.

Prior to the recent Califonia massacre, when was the last mass shooting? Where was it? I can’t recall. How many dead, wounded? I can’t recall. How crazy was the shooter? I can’t recall.

Were there mass shootings when I was a kid? Not that I recall. I owned a .22 from age 12. My friends and I, we’d make sandwiches, grab a box of cartridges, hop on our Schwinn and pedal up to the State Hospital dump and plink rats.

But I don’t remember assault weapons and banana clips. Justice Scalia, Justice Thomas, you paragons of strict Constitutionalism, did the Founding Fathers say the 2nd Amendment gives every citizen the right to buy an M-4 assault rifle with a 30 round clip? Is that what “a well-regulated militia” meant in 1791?

There are now more gun deaths than car accident deaths in 13 states. For those readers whose every breath hangs on economic analysis, gun deaths cost the economy roughly $164 billion per year.

For those struggling with the math of the annual body count — the number of military personnel ambushed on home base, the blood-drenched worshippers in church, the schoolchildren riddled with bullets, the gorespattered movie goers, the black-arm-banded cop widows and widowers, the number of chalk-outlined playground kids — I want to tell you I’m with you. I can’t keep up.

The falling graph of outrage is the truest mathematical measure of gun insanity. We have zero ability to be shocked into action. Headlines yes, but no action.

It didn’t use to be this way. In the face of repeated, obvious harm, American citizens used to rise up to demand change. But we’re silent about gun deaths. What changed in us?

I think it’s like that political adviser told Bill Clinton, “It’s the economy, stupid.” It’s the NRA, stupid. The idea that we can’t ban assault weapons as the first, symbolic gesture against an epidemic of mass killings defines what’s changed: The NRA has our spineless politicians cowed so gun laws can’t pass.

You swallow that nonsense about Hitler’s victims going meekly? Well, the NRA has made U.S. citizens meek. The assault weapon, a human-killing machine, is sold everywhere. We can’t ban this retail product, sold for profit, that kills cops and kids indiscriminately, repeatedly, horribly, predictably, time-after-time, because the NRA won’t let us.

I want action that the NRA doesn’t want — any action — just to prove we as a society are in control and the NRA isn’t. I want a ban on assault weapons. But that can’t happen because our politicians are spineless.

So the next best thing is tit-for-tat, a modest proposal: Make every assault weapon buyer go through the same pointless, demeaning things as a woman seeking a Constitutional abortion:

1. Counseling: Assault weapons buyers, I’m sure you won’t mind some counseling about the harm your weapon could cause. Videos of gunshot wounds, crying moms, panicked kids outside school. You’ll need a certificate of completion.

2. 72-Hour Waiting Period: Come to the gun store twice — initial consultation and follow-up — to make sure you understand what you’re doing.

3. Full Service Gunsmith: Sorry, but you can’t buy an assault weapon unless there’s a federally licensed gunsmith within walking distance. Why? Because.

4. Seasonal Limits: You can’t buy an assault weapon more than 90 days from big game season.

5. Parental Involvement: We’ll need both parents’ permission to buy an assault weapon if you’re under 21.

6. Partial-Automatic Weapons: Sorry, no way.

7. No Public Funds: You cannot buy an assault weapon if you are, have been, or will be on social entitlements. No federal funds such as Social Security may be used to buy an assault weapon.

8. Ultrasound: You’ll have to stare at an ultrasound of your intended weapon for a while. We’re just trying to make it hard on you, not make sense.

9. Harassment: Strangers will scream you’re a murderer as you enter the gun store. Hope you don’t mind a little spittle.

10. Exam: Okay, here’s the tough one. Some women have to submit to an unnecessary transvaginal probe. Should an assault (no pun intended) weapon buyer have to submit to the indignity of a rectal exam? In both cases, the exam is unnecessary, and it’s just a demeaning way to harass someone. It seems extreme...

But oh well, my assault weapon buying friend, just spread ‘em. You want Constitutional rights? I’ll give you Constitutional rights Texas-style.

Grant Parsons is a Traverse City native and a trial attorney with a keen interest in local government.