Breaking out of the man box

There are three speakers in Northwest Michigan lecturing this month about men taking a stand against sexual harassment, domestic violence, and rape—kind of weird proof of the tipping point. That’s the theory where a message finally catches on and penetrates our national consciousness.
The first speaker, Jackson Katz, spoke to Traverse City high school kids in early October.
Ted Bunch is scheduled to speak in Petoskey in an event called “A Call to Our Community.”
Finally, Rus Funk will speak on “Preventing Sexist Attitudes, Beliefs, and Behaviors” in Gaylord.
All three men have devoted themselves to the same basic message: violence
against women will stop only if men start speaking up.

DON’T JUST STAND THERE...
“Most perpetrators are not sick, not sociopaths, not deeply disturbed,” Katz said in a phone interview. “They’re normal, average guys who have internalized a set of beliefs, but they’re not so far gone that their attitudes and behaviors can’t be challenged or shifted. All this is no different than bullying. People have this narrow definition of bullying, but sexual harassment, abuse in teen relationships—it’s the same principal. It’s the use of force or the threat of force to get what you want.”
Ted Bunch, who will speak in Petoskey, said only a minority of men are violent toward women. The problem is, the majority of well-meaning men often sit by and say nothing.
“Our silence is our way of giving permission. So our focus is to break the silence,” Bunch said.
At the most basic level, it really comes down to doing things as simple as speaking up in the workplace, said Jamie Winters, who organized Ted Bunch’s presentation on behalf of the Women’s Resource Center of Northern Michigan.
Winters said her husband was talking about the Detroit area woman who was murdered in February. The victim’s husband confessed a few weeks later to cutting her up and leaving her dismembered torso in their garage and other body parts in a nearby park. He fled from police and was captured in Wilderness State Park, where he cowered under a tree in 14-degree weather.
“My husband said they were discussing the murder at work, and another man made the comment, ‘Wow, she must have been doing something really wrong to make him go that far.’ And my husband, of course, was taken aback. He said, ‘There is nothing this woman could have ever done to deserve being killed.’
“But I think that comment put him outside his comfort zone. He was the only one voicing that opinion, and I think there was overwhelming agreement on some level that, yes, she must have done something to make someone that angry.”

CATCH-22
Sexual harassment, by far, is the most prevalent form of “violence” against women, and provides the clearest opportunity to speak out. And it’s important to do that, said Dan O’Neil, an attorney who handles employment discrimination cases, including sexual harassment cases. The fall-out of sexual harassment can be devastating no matter what the woman decides to do.
“If you simply quit your job, it puts a hole in your employment history – how would you like to, at every interview, carefully explain what happened at your last job without making yourself sound like (a), a nut, or (b), a troublemaker?” O’Neil said.
In the 20 years of representing women in these kind of cases, O’Neil said he has seen some change in workplace attitudes. “In all honesty, I think the corporate culture has changed and is much less tolerant, but in the hundreds of small shops, I don’t see it changing all that much. Why? One, nobody wants to be a ‘troublemaker.’ Two, I always sense there’s an ‘us guys stick together’ kind of deal going on. And it’s uncomfortable to speak up, particularly if the men at work have a social relationship with another. They treat it like it’s a private thing, when, in fact, it is not.”
It helps to know the three types of sexual harassment: when a supervisor or employer makes it clear that to keep your job or to advance in your job, you have to submit to sexual advances; a hostile work environment in which unwelcome sexual comments or actions interfere with you doing your job; or when a worker is demoted or fired or, is in some way punished, for complaining about harassment.
Attorney Blake Ringsmuth, who also represents victims of sexual harassment, said that men who harass women often carry their actions out of sight of anyone else. He represented three women who were sexually harassed at the Pugsley Correctional Facility.
The evaluation of the 2005 case contains very graphic, sexual language, in which the men were heard speaking very disrespectfully to the women, making references to various sex acts under the guise of humor.
“These women were subjected to unbearable work conditions in a prison where the inmates were treating the women better than their coworkers,” Ringsmuth explains. “They had to endure this behavior because the job paid so well and provided benefits to their family that they desperately needed. It was a horrible Catch-22. The harassment was absolutely rife in their workplace, and yet no one took it seriously.”
The prison settled out of court with the women, who all left their jobs. The warden reprimanded the workers with five-day suspensions, but a state employee and a human resources employee in Lansing overturned the punishment, saying the letters of reprimand were sufficient.
“To this day, that absolutely infuriates me that this woman could sit there and pretend to even begin to understand what it was like for these women in this prison. When she overturned the warden’s directive, the whole issue became the laughing stock of the prison. It was horrible. She had such disdain for these women whom she never met, and believed it was all their fault. It still makes my blood boil,” Ringsmuth said.

ALLIES OR ENEMIES
O’Neil said that men can often be either allies or enemies. In a state Supreme Court case, Brown v. Brown, a woman who was providing security for a steel company repeatedly reported that a steel company employee had made frequent lewd comments, including his desire to have violent sex with her. And then he did exactly that. Although the male supervisor did nothing, the conservative, four-member majority ruled in July that the worker’s comments were insufficient to raise a duty on the part of the steel company to protect her.
The three speakers believe that energies must focus on prevention—if we can change our culture, the harassment and violence will begin to end. Rus Funk, a presenter at the Gaylord conference, likes to quote James Baldwin: “The most radical step you can take … is your next one.” For him, that means having the courage to speak up.
“Having a kind of world that’s truly safe for women is radically different than the world we’ve created for ourselves,” Funk said. “The step a man needs to take, either as an individual or collectively with other men, is the most radical step he can take.”


Men with a Message

In Gaylord: “Preventing Sexist Attitudes, Beliefs, and Behaviors.” Rus Funk will lead a workshop from 9 a.m. to 4 p.m. at the Treetops Resort. Sponsored by the Michigan Coalition Against Domestic and Sexual Violence. For more information, call Tammy Lemmer at 517-347-7000, ext. 27.
In Petoskey: A Call to Our Community. Ted Bunch will speak on Thursday, October 25, 7-9 p.m. at the North Central Michigan College Library Conference Room. (A program for professionals will be held 1-4 p.m. on the same day) Sponsored by the Women’s Resource Center of Northern Michigan. Free. For more information, call 231-347-0067.


10 Things Men Can Do To End
Men’s Violence Against Women

By Ted Bunch

1. Understand that sexism, male dominance and male privilege lay the foundation for violence against women.

2. Look honestly at yourself. Does your own sexism play a role in supporting men who are abusive?

3. Get out of your socially defined role. Don’t be afraid to stand up to men who treat women badly.

4. Your silence is permission for abuse. If you don’t speak out against men’s violence, you are supporting it.

5. Educate and re-educate your sons and other young men about their responsibility in ending men’s violence against women.

6. “Break out of the man box” - Examine the traditional image of manhood and realize how it stops you from actively taking a stand to end violence against women.

7. Consider this: violence against women will not end until men become part of the solution to end it. Men must create a new culture that no longer tolerates violence against women.

8. Stop supporting the notion that men’s violence against women is due to mental illness, a bad temper, alcohol and drugs, stress, etc… violence against women is rooted in the historic oppression of women and how men are socialized because of that.

9. Go beyond yourself. Take the lead in creating a group to educate men and boys and to hold them accountable.

10. Make sure men are held responsible in your community, whether it’s the courts, your own workplace, or the police department. Violence against women will end only when we take direction from those who understand it most; women.





View On Our Website