Where‘s a congressman when you need one?

Where‘s a congressman
when you need one?
By Robert Downes

The other day I was browsing the dollar racks at the video store when a title jumped out at me: “The Women of Topless Golf.”
It looked like a rather silly video that hadn’t been rented in years, but it’s the kind of thing our Congress is all in a tizzy about these days. Although there were no naughty bits showing on its faded cover, it surely qualified as indecent under the current thinking in Congress. And it was right out in plain sight for any 10-year-old to see.
Where’s a congressman when you need one?
After hustling the Decency in Broadcasting Act through Congress with FCC fines of up to $500,000 to protect us from the bad language of “Saving Private Ryan” on TV or the sight of Janet Jackson’s boobie, you’d think our congressmen would be out patrolling the video stores, pointing the finger at trash we shouldn’t be looking at.
Come to think of it, why hasn’t Congress done away with cable TV? There’s a real and present danger in America: a sleepwalking child could stumble over the TV channel changer while mom and dad are snoozing and accidentally switch on “Taxicab Confessions” on HBO.
In their quest to dumb-down prime time television to a child’s level, you’d think Congress would be going ballistic over cable, where wardrobe malfunctions by pop stars rate as pretty ho-hum.
Then there‘s the Internet. If our congressmen are worried about Tom Hanks using salty language in a film about World War II, you’d think they’d be going nuclear over the Internet. It’s the Al Qaeda of indecency.
Please do away with the Internet, Mr. Congressman, if only to protect us from ourselves.
If you believe the news, much of the recent fretting by Congress has been generated by the religious right -- a group that‘s about as popular as the remake of “Gilligan‘s Island.“ Less than 20% of Americans belong to this mindset, but these days they’ve got our congressmen performing in bondage harnesses and dog collars for whatever moral values moment comes to mind.
Although polls show that up to 82% of Americans disapproved of the meddling by Congress in the Terri Schaivo case, our congressmen seem all too willing to dump the Constitution and America’s legal system for the fundamentalist issue of the day.
I’m thinking of becoming a religious extremist so that Congress will jump at my demands. Perhaps I could induce our congressmen to whip up hysterical mobs outside federal courts as in the Shiavo case. And thanks to my congressman, I could put federal judges under the threat of assassination by far-right kooks. Congress could help me pressure teachers to ditch lessons based on science in favor of theories created by Hebrew tribesmen thousands of years ago. Perhaps I could even get school districts to cut pages based on science out textbooks, just like the totalitarian rulers rewiting history in “1984.“ I could even demand that promising new medical treatments for spinal injuries, Alzheimer’s and cancer be ditched in favor of my religious views, free of any scientific bias.
The religion I believe in wants to do away with holes in donuts on moral grounds. Clearly, donut holes are profane to those of us who believe in the Holy Donut. I’d like Congress to write a law this weekend and rouse the President from his bed in Texas to fly back to Washington at midnight and sign the bill, pronto.
Congress should be happy to oblige.
Recently, Congress approved a new Bankruptcy Act which will apply the lash to Americans whose lives are shattered by job loss and health care bills.
Apparently, Congress forgot that they’ve been part of the bankruptcy problem -- presiding over the outsourcing of American jobs to India and China with various “free trade” bills. And they forgot to do something about the health care crisis which has millions of Americans in peril of having their lives wrecked on a moment’s notice by a hospital bill.
Apparently, they also forgot all about the biggest bankrupt shirker in the nation: the federal government. Imagine if the new Bankruptcy Act applied to an outfit that was $7,799,073,702,190 in debt and rising.
Imagine what would happen if Congress went after its own morally bankrupt ways instead of broke American families. Imagine what would happen if Congress had the guts to stand up for the principles of liberty spelled out by Thomas Jefferson and George Washington rather than those of religious hucksters. Imagine if Congress had the decency to address problems in health care, education and job loss rather than the sight of Janet Jackson’s breast on TV. Imagine if Congress investigated its own addiction to lobbyists and PAC contributions rather than grandstanding over drugs used by millionaire baseball players.
Where’s a congressman when you need one?
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