Desperate Moral Values Housewives

Thank goodness someone is finally taking charge of our moral values. Ever since the election, we’ve heard an earful: The voters have spoken on moral values; our moral values are in the trash; we need a hell of a lot more moral values; and from now on the upholders of moral values will be calling the shots in this country for the next 10,000 years. Democrats are in a frenzy to make sure they’ve got the most moralizing values for 2008, while Republicans vow to keep a headlock on moral values until Judgment Day. Moral Values ‘R’ Us.
It’s a great time to be a puritan in America because there’s a lot of work to do, making sure that people aren’t enjoying themselves. It’s not like we’ve gone back to the witchburning, Scarlet Letter, hang-‘em-high traditions of the colonial days, but we can always hope to reach that moral summit soon.
If you’re not so hot about the moral values drumbeat, then your only hope is that the so-called Rapture will hurry up and haul the top moralizers up to heaven so that we heathens can keep suffering along with our deplorable movies and trashy TV shows.
Speaking of which, my wife and I have enjoyed watching “Desperate Housewives” and “Sex in the City” on Sunday nights and have gotten quite a few good laughs out of these silly but thoughtful shows.
Since the revelations of the election, however, word has it that you could end up being a hot dog on Satan’s rotisserie spit by watching anything remotely sexy.
Currently, killjoy groups such as The American Family Association, the Parents Television Council, and the Traditional Values Coalition are trying to do away with the most popular shows on the air. Letter writers warn that we‘re a quart low on moral values and need to be protected from ourselves. Fox News pundits warn of the hazards of watching TV trash in the wrathful tones of the Old Testament. (Talk about the pot calling the kettle black...)
Maybe they‘re right. I must confess that instead of slamming my eyes shut like the 10-ton golden garage doors of heaven itself when actress Nicollette Sheridan doffed her towel during a “Monday Night Football” commercial, my moral values were so low that I just kept watching. Funny, but it registered as just another dumb commercial rather than a national crisis, and I struggled to believe that any child was harmed by the sight of the lady‘s bare back. Like you, I’ve been whipping myself ever since with prickly old raspberry bushes for that little indiscretion.
Then there’s “Friends,” the most popular show in the history of the world, which mercifully ended this year. The humor in this show has always been a mystery to me because it never can seem to stoop low enough to squeeze the lamest bit of sexual innuendo out of every other line. Try talking like the “Friends” at your workplace and see how long before you’re called into the human resources office for sexual harassment counseling, if not a pink slip.
I always thought “Friends” was more pathetic than funny, but then, I have a secret weapon the moral values crowd seems to be unaware of called an “Off” button on my TV.
We need some good censors on the airways to restore our faith in ourselves. Let‘s start with censors who already rank as the most moralizing chaps in America:
Bill O’Reilly of Fox News? Nope, he‘s a celebrated pervert. “Book of Virtues” author William Bennett? He‘s a gambling addict hypocrite. Rush Limbaugh? Drug addict who tosses old wives like Kleenex. Televangelist Jimmy Swaggert? Notorious whoremonger. Dr. Laura? Strictly speaking, her youthful nudie shots qualify her as a porn model in the moral values handbook. FCC Chairman Michael Powell is the new standard-bearer for decency and censorship, but the way these things go, he probably wears ladies‘ underwear and the story will break any day now.
Gee, if only there was someone like PeeWee Herman without the baggage to serve as Czar of the new federal Moral Values Agency. Some Teletubby type authority (but not Tinky Winky!) who could protect us from ourselves.
This would also be a good time for a constitutional amendment to ban Hollywood outright or ensure that nothing racier than “Christmas with the Kranks” gets produced.
Or perhaps we should harness the power of Hollywood to create more good, clean fun shows like “Desperate Moral Values Housewives” or “No Sex in the City.“
“Desperate Moral Values Housewives” would be about four sensibly-dressed, slightly dowdy gals who pledge devotion to their husbands and play games of “Gotcha!“ to see who can score the most moralizing zingers. Sample episode: a hubby caught looking at the Victoria‘s Secret catalogue -- whoa, boy! There would certainly be nothing trashy or sexy about the show whatsoever. It would be a huge hit with the millions of Americans who want more moral values in their lives.
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