The Only Gift Ideas You Need

Spectator

By Stephen Tuttle | Dec. 18, 2021

This time of year we're told it's better to give than receive, and it's the thought that counts. That makes it a lot easier to suggest some gift-giving ideas. 

To all healthcare workers, a full week without a single new Covid case or death. We'd all hope for a much longer break from the ravages of this bug, but even Christmas has limits on miracles.

To first responders, an end to the opioid and meth crises so they can stop being called to overdose deaths.  

To Joe Biden, a plan for governance and a coherent explanation of how that will work. Aside from the ever-mutating Build Back Better proposal, it is not at all clear what the president is trying to accomplish, where he'd like us to go, and how he intends to lead us there.   

To Donald Trump, a copy of the Constitution with the sections on elections highlighted, and a copy of Norman Vincent Peale's “How to Win Friends and Influence People.” (Here's a hint: It doesn't involve insulting them.)

To the Traverse City City Commission, a map of Traverse City so they realize there's more to this community than just the Downtown Development Authority's tax increment financing (TIF) districts. Look, the rest of the city, which also pays taxes, is right there on the map. 

To The Squad, a half a loaf and the hope they recognize it's better than no loaf at all. The votes for their full array of social programs were never there, so Squad, just take what you can get and use it as a foundation on which you can build.   

To Tucker Carlson, a sit-down lunch with an imam and a minister so they can explain to him the difference between the Quran and a Christmas tree and why the government keeps track of those burning the former but not the latter. (It's possible one is a constitutionally protected religious text and the other a secular symbol absent religious connotations going back thousands of years.)

To the Detroit Lions, hope. A team that has won but a single playoff game in the 56-year Super Bowl era isn't likely to get much else, but they can hope.

To Marjorie Taylor Greene, Matt Gaetz, Paul Gosar, and Andy Biggs, a framed copy of the Ninth Commandment. It's the one that says you're not supposed to lie. Those four are making a career out of telling whoppers. 

To QAnon, gift certificates for many, many counseling sessions with the psychiatrist of our choice. It's clear you're having serious issues, and we just want to help.

To QAnon followers, a mirror for some self-reflection. You can't possibly believe all that nonsense, none of which has come remotely close to being substantiated. 

To local school administrators and teachers, the wisdom of Solomon and the patience of Job. Masks or no masks? Distancing six feet or three feet? In-person learning or remote learning, or both? Close the school or keep it open?

To climate-change deniers, a good pair of glasses so they can see what's going on all around them and around the world. The evidence is abundant if only they would see it.

To Mark Zuckerberg, a tiny lump of coal. There can no longer be much debate about social media's rampant intrusions into our lives and its destructive consequences. Making hate and disinformation major profit drivers deserves no other gift.

To Jeff Bezos, a bigger lump of coal, big enough to match his greed, ego, and black heart.   

To Enbridge, a feasible plan to remove its pipelines out from under the Straits of Mackinac. The product in the pipes starts in Canada and most of it ends up in Canada, so why doesn't Canada accept the risk on their soil?  

To local charitable and service organizations, a generous financial contribution and the promise we will continue our support after the holidays have passed.

To legislators who want to strip away local control of short-term rentals, an Airbnb right next door and a couple more on their block. They need a new perspective on the debate between private property rights versus the value of neighborhoods.

To all law enforcement personnel, a year in which you are not shot at or forced to shoot at anyone else. 

To all Northern Express readers, a sincere thank you and hopes for a safe and happy 2022.