You Know You‘re From Northern Michigan When...

March 3, 2004

It‘s our favorite question every year and the one that gets the most responses from readers: “You know you‘re from Northern Michigan when...“ Since we always run the “Best of“ survey in the winter, most responses have something to do with the snowy season, which folks just can‘t seem to get enough of (griping about it, that is).
Admittedly, some of the following responses are kind of goofy... but that‘s our readers for ya. Here‘s what you had to say this year about life in the northcountry:

-- You make less than $20,000 per year
-- You have seven right-handed gloves
-- You tap-tap your feet to knock of the snow before you get into your car
-- You‘re from the U.P.
-- You see more snowmobiles than cars in front of the bars
-- You carry your snow scraper year-‘round
-- You see the annual snowbird migration to the south
-- The traffic lights cause road rage because they don‘t reward you for going the speed limit
-- You‘re arrested by one of way too many cops
-- You keep minus-20 degree antifreeze in your car year-‘round
-- You put cherries in everything you eat
-- When you spend more time shoveling than sleeping
-- You hate fudgies
-- You have a toolbox on your pickup and it‘s your family car
-- You wear sandals in the winter
-- When you can sell non-magic mushrooms for the same price as magic mushrooms
-- You beg for snow in July and heat in January
-- You see someone going the wrong way on a one-way street
-- The pickup in front of you has bullet holes in the tail gate
-- Your car costs more than your house
-- Everyone has a DUI -- that‘s how bad Boyne City is
-- You enjoy blowing snow
-- The snowmobiles are going faster than your car.
-- When everybody wears Carharts
-- You wear four different-size jeans throughout the year
-- You live in “the county“
-- You can get to another town through the woods
-- When you‘re not surprised that it could snow in October
-- It‘s 50 degrees in December and then we get our first winter storm a week later
-- You put shorts on when it hits 50 degrees
-- When you see Monte Carlo with a six-inch lift kit
-- You put plastic on your windows
-- You have a DUI or two
-- Your car, feet and head don‘t move
-- When there are no tulips in your tulip beds because the deer ate them
-- You use your mullet as a scarf
-- You never get a snow day
-- You call your hat (winter pullover) a chook
-- You get a Christmas card from WKLT-FM
-- You snowblow your driveway every 10 minutes
-- You vacation at Cedar Point or the Detroit area
-- Your toes, nose and hands are too cold to activate an elevator button that‘s heat-activated
-- Anyone from below M-72 is from “the south“ and you take your hooded parka everywhere just in case
-- You see beautiful sunsets and sand everywhere
-- You‘re unaware of the rest of the world
-- You have long underwear in three or more colors
-- You despise all the fudgies that come for Cherry Fest
-- You go to work without a coat in the a.m. and need one in the p.m.
-- You smile when there‘s a blizzard outside
-- It‘s nice out when it‘s 45 degrees
-- Cherry Fest gets here
-- When your judges smoke more dope than you do
-- You specify a single item as “these ones“
-- You have a farmer‘s tan
-- You build a log cabin
-- You don‘t carry a set of keys because they are in your car‘s ignition and you never lock the door
-- When you eat whitefish
-- The cops are on your tail
-- You see people down south freaking out on TV over two inches of snow
-- Getting dressed up means putting on a clean flannel shirt
-- When you own a new Patagonia jacket each year
-- When you read the Express
-- You drive an old car or truck in the winter
-- You look forward to ice fishing
-- When the sun makes you ecstatic
-- You look forward to Monday because the fudgies will be gone
-- You use your hand to show where you live
-- You protest someone screwing with the environment or our civil rights!
-- You see men in orange with guns trespassing on private property in November
-- You‘re drinking Busch Light
-- When you know Da Yoopers are a real band
-- You wear a Northern Michigan t-shirt or sweatshirt
-- You‘re happy to see the crowds leave after Labor Day
-- You know what they mean by a one-season economy
-- Friday night means fish frys
-- The traffic slows down so you can nap
-- You‘ve seen more than a foot of snow and you‘re not surprised
-- You think “Escanaba in Da Moonlight“ is a documentary
-- You work your own hours, eat venison and fish regularly
-- You have a snow-white tan in the winter -- like you should!
-- There are more bars than churches in town
-- You warm your car up and lock your keys in the car
-- The wind turns to the north
-- You have an automatic car starter
-- You get on South Airport Road anytime between 8 a.m. and 8 p.m.
-- You drive to Grand Rapids to catch a plane because it‘s half the price
-- You like jello with fruit suspended in it
-- Every restaurant features dried cherries on the menu
-- When you think that everything south of Cadillac is downstate and everyone who lives there are fudgies
-- You see someone transporting a dead deer on a bikes handlebars
-- 80 degree weather and 20 degree weather are only a few days from each other
-- Tourists make you late all summer but snow doesn‘t slow you down at all
-- You get excited by the falling snow
-- You think beef jerky is one of the major food groups
-- They call for lake effect snow
-- You know what “finish the book“ means
-- When you like swimming in Lake Michigan in the winter
-- Your monthly expenses exceed your income
-- When the pole barns are bigger than the house
-- You can look at the bay and still drive within the lines
-- When a left-wing free news magazine is accepted
-- When you do all of your grocery shopping at Roy‘s on Three Mile Road, TC
-- You wear shorts on your Florida vacation and it‘s only 50 degrees
-- Every restaurant menu: steak & whitefish, steak & whitefish, steak & whitefish...
-- You see more people in the ditch than on the road after a snowstorm
-- No one cancels their plans during a winter storm warning
-- You laugh when you see people down south freaking out over two inches of snow
-- You actually think people tip cows in other states
-- It‘s no big deal when it snows every day
-- You can greet every store or gas station counterperson by their first name
-- You have big teeth, a stupid-looking haircut and a hot-looking wife

-----------------------------------------------------------

Year‘s Biggest Can of Worms:
-- Judge Gilbert ////////////////////////
-- Hartman-Hammond Bridge /////
-- Money spent on the Hartman-Hammond Bridge project
-- “Family friends“ Michelle McManus and Bill Clous
-- War in Iraq ///////////////////////
-- Starting a war over nonexistent weapons of mass destruction
-- TCLP power pole /////
-- Eminem was supposed to move to Williamsburg
-- Enron
-- Nurses‘ strike at NHM ////
-- Moving the nuke material from Charlevoix
-- Saddam Hussein ///
-- The lack of state funds
-- Gaylord Community Schools
-- Martha Stewart //
-- Non-elected selection of TC city commissioner
-- George Bush
-- The East Jordan Public Library
-- Grooming of beaches
-- Were sold by Walt‘s Crawlers
-- No WMDs found /////
-- Bush Sr. is responsible for 9/11
-- The new development in Petoskey
-- Bear River Brewing closes ///
-- Cop entering a private residence unannounced
-- Kohl‘s new building in TC
-- President Bush‘s arrogance
-- George Bush and anything related to him
-- Clous clearing his land for a “farm“ //////////////
-- Red Mesa Worm Club
-- Reality TV
-- 9 oz. cans
-- Arnold‘s grabby hands
-- Summer traffic
-- Michael Jackson‘s arrest
-- Peace protesters block military convoy
-- Wolves going to Minnesota for Manna renovation
-- Ice Mountain water bottling plant
-- Kobe Bryant

-----------------------------------------------------------

Best Power Play:
-- U-M beating MSU at football
-- Redwings ////////
-- Michelle McManus (trying to get it) //
-- Margaret Dodd “out,“ Lynda Smyka “in“
-- Eating at Gordie Howe‘s restaurant
-- Bush regime vs. the real patriots -- us!
-- Stopping the Hartman-Hammond Bridge
-- Bill Clous clearing his land
-- Margaret Dodd‘s 4th of July parade
-- Plans to demolish downtown TC power plant
-- Putting marijuana legalization on the ballot
-- Former TC mayor running for House seat
-- Pistons
-- Republican redistricting
-- Cherry Capital Airport deer issue
-- Non-elected selection of TC city commissioner
-- The new Kohl building, TC
-- Gordie Howe‘s
-- George Bush and the Iraq War ///
-- George Bush as president
-- Arm-wrestling Stallone-style over the top
-- GT Road Commission still pushing the bridge
-- Wal-Mart moving into Charlevoix
-- Waterfront homeowners trying to restrict public access sites

-----------------------------------------------------------

Best “Next Big Thing“:
-- Having kids while still a kid
-- Topless beaches on Lake Michigan
-- Virtual lovers
-- Phones with TV screens to see the caller
-- Lowe‘s Company
-- Emo
-- Quiznos
-- Low-carb beer
-- Naked kite-boarding
-- The presidential election
-- The Unified Field Theory
-- The Fab Five from “Queer Eye“
-- The Boardman Bridge ///
-- Pilates
-- Palm Pilot
-- Samurai Cowboy and the Alan Roosters
-- Trucker hats
-- Space station on the moon
-- World peace
-- Christianity and Jesus
-- The Big Eazy, TC
-- Republican surpremacy
-- U-M beating Ohio State
-- The iPod
-- Skullets (check out www.mulletjunky.com/skullet if you don‘t know what a skullet is)
-- Segway human-powered transporter
-- Waterproof laptops
-- Keno
-- The moon
-- Zoo at the Grand Traverse Pavilions
-- Upturn in the economy
-- Satellite radio
-- Plasma TVs
-- Elmwood Township recalls
-- Bush out of office
-- “Cool“ cities
-- The ‘80s are coming back
-- Even lower water levels
-- Bush voted out!
-- Peace on Earth
-- Oprah for president
-- Economic recovery
-- Tannery Crazy Days in March
-- Bald men
-- The President
-- Aliens are stealing our water
-- Opening the Mexican border
-- On-line voting for this survey
-- Democrats get elected and not cheated on
-- Forgetting about the Hartman-Hammond Bridge project
-- Diet
-- Local, value-added agriculture
-- Edelweiss Shopping Village, Gaylord
-- John Kerry flattens Bush
-- Low carb stores (ha ha ha)
-- New development project in Suttons Bay
-- Enlarged TC Open Space -- power plant gone
-- Lions win a playoff berth
-- GT Road Commission vs. environmentalists
-- Electric cars
-- J. Lo‘s rear-end
-- Peace in the Mid East
-- Reopening of Dilly‘s at Dilworth‘s, Boyne City
-- Waterpark at Boyne Mountain
-- “Members Only“ coats
-- Parachute pants
-- Lions win Super Bowl in 2005
-- Spray-on tanning
-- Videophones
-- Low carb diets //
-- Power glove for NES
-- Legalizing marijuana in Michigan
-- Wearing your shirt inside out
-- Blobby looking tattoos on aging hipsters
-- Republicans continue attempt to turn democracy into a corporate theocracy
-- Kohl‘s, TC

-----------------------------------------------------------

Best Hope for the Democrats:
-- God
-- Hillary Rodham Clinton /////
-- Bush voted out!
-- Howard Dean ////////////////
-- Dennis Kucinich ////
-- Al Sharpton //
-- To bow out
-- John Edwards
-- John Kerry /////
-- Wait until 2008
-- Revolution
-- To win
-- Move
-- Move to Afghanistan
-- George Bush caught in a gay bar
-- Hiring a Republican to do the job
-- Second place
-- G.W. Bush
-- What about Nader?
-- America wakes up
-- A bad economy and war in Iraq
-- Margaret Dodd and John Kerry
-- No hope, Bush re-elected
-- Impeach G.W. Bush
-- Quit whining and act unified
-- No one //
-- Social Security reform
-- Commit suicide
-- An unknown rising star
-- Getting rid of Dubya
-- That Bush will quit
-- There is no hope -- I give up!
-- Al Gore
-- A military coup
-- Retirement
-- Lieberman grows a personality
-- Hire Al Franken and Molly Ivans to run campaign
-- G.W. -- four more years!
-- That‘s a good one -- Arnold who?
-- Getting a backbone
-- The Green Party
-- Wesley Clark ////
-- Ted Kennedy
-- The truth about George W.
-- Disband the party
-- There is no hope for our political system

-----------------------------------------------------------

Best New Job for Saddam Hussein:
-- Gravedigger
-- Slaughtering the deer at Cherry Capital Airport
-- Making license plates
-- First man on Mars
-- Lion‘s coach
-- Mad cow tester
-- Bomb tech
-- Astronaut to Mars with G.W. Bush & Rummy
-- Guinea pig
-- Cleaning porta-potties
-- Attorney general
-- Sewer line digger
-- Getting out of Hell
-- Prison cook
-- Devil slave
-- Leader of the DNC
-- Mine detector
-- Governor of California
-- Dust & ash
-- Dart board
-- George Bush‘s playtime partner
-- CIA agent
-- Head of CIA
-- Pin cushion
-- Pushing up daisies
-- Rat Catcher
-- Secretary of Defense
-- Hooter‘s
-- Pooper scooper
-- Clean out the morgue since he sent so many there
-- Cleaning toilets for the Iraqi people
-- Die
-- Evangelist
-- Political advisor to George Bush
-- “Tell all“ writer
-- Chain gang
-- Honey dipper
-- Contortionist
-- Analyst for CNN
-- Donald Rumsfeld advisor
-- CEO of Shell Oil
-- Altar boy
-- Undertaker
-- Jail cell toilet cleaner
-- Crash test dummy
-- Dead guy
-- Corkscrew tester
-- Pumpin‘ gas
-- Shooting range target
-- Garbage man
-- Scrubbing toilets
-- Prisoner
-- Dishwasher
-- Weapons inspector
-- Poison taster
-- Roto-Rooterman
-- Sewage worker
-- Bartender
-- Prison bitch
-- Partner to Dan Dingman
-- Prostitute
-- Wal-Mart greeter
-- Horse jockey
-----------------------------------------------------------

Song You‘d Like To Sing with Justin Timberlake:
-- “Cry Me A River“ ///
-- “You Are So Beautiful To Me“
-- His last song
-- “These Boots Are Made for Walkin‘“
-- “There‘s a Tear in My Beer“
-- “She Got the Goldmine, I Got the Shaft“
-- “Far Far Away“
-- “Gin & Juice“ by Snoop Dogg
-- “You‘re So Vain“
-- “Touch Me“
-- “Survivor“ by Destiny‘s Child
-- “Put Your Back Into It“ by Ice Cube
-- “Careless Whisper“
-- “Get Over Britney“
-- “I Like the Way You Move“ by Outkast
-- Who is he?
-- “If You Wanna Be My Lover“
-- “Get a Life“
-- “Under the Boardwalk“
-- “I Feel Like a Woman“
-- He can‘t sing!
-- “The Very Thought of You“ by Nat King Cole
-- “What a Girl Wants“
-- “Climb Every Mountain“
-- “I Love You“ Barney song
-- “Get Off of My Cloud“ -- Rolling Stones
-- “Somewhere Out There“
-- “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor“
-- “Hello Again“ by Neil Diamond
-- “I‘m Leaving On A Jet Plane“ m
-- “Rock Your Body“
-- “Oh Britney, You‘re So Fine...“
-- “This Little Light of Mine“
-- “Where Is The Love?“ //
-- Anything!
-- “Rock Your Body“
-- “We‘re Not Gonna Take It Anymore“
-- “I‘m Just a Girl“ by No Doubt
-- “Oops, I Did It Again“
-- “Sick of You“ by GWAR
-- “Amazing Grace“
-- “Hit the Road, Jack“
-- “Ave Maria“
-- “At the Copa, Copacabana“

-----------------------------------------------------------

Duet You‘d Like to Sing with Pink:
-- “Mama I‘m Comin‘ Home“ by Ozzy
-- “Mares Eat Oats“
-- ?
-- “Just Like a Pill“
-- “I Hate Everything About You“
-- “I‘m Dreaming of a White Christmas“
-- “Leather and Lace“
-- “Closer“
-- “Fat Bottom Girls“ by Queen
-- “Sex Me Up“
-- “You Shook Me All Night Long“ by AC/DC
-- “Goodbye Yellowbrick Road“
-- “I‘m Such a Skank“
-- “Pink“ by Aerosmith
-- In my sheets
-- “You Are My Sunshine“
-- Theme from “Grease“
-- “I Honestly Love You“
-- “Legs“ by ZZ Top
-- “I Got You Babe“
-- “The Thong Song“
-- “Why Don‘t We Get Drunk and Screw“
-- “I Wanna Sex You Up“
-- “Like a Virgin“
-- “Joe‘s Garage“
-----------------------------------------------------------

Duet You‘d Like to Sing with the Dixie Chicks:
-- That‘s “unpossible“
-- “I‘m Leaving On A Jet Plane“
-- “R.E.S.P.E.C.T.“
-- “Don‘t Stop“ by Fleetwood Mac
-- “Blow Me - A Kiss“
-- “Proud to Be an American“
-- “Okie from Muskogee“
-- “Fat“ by Weird Al
-- “Traveling Soldier“
-- “You‘ve Got a Friend“
-- “Coming Round the Mountain“
-- “I Love Paris in the Springtime“
-- “American Pie“
-- “I‘m Proud to Be an American“
-- “Don‘t Let the Stars Get in Your Eyes“
-- “Dr. Feelgood“ by Motley Crue
-- “Come On Feel the Noise“
-- “Sin Wagon“
-- “Cats in the Cradle“
-- Fleetwood Mac‘s remake of “Changes“
-- Dixie Chicks rock and always will -- I‘d sing all their songs with them