Bush made me do it

Sept. 28, 2005

Recently, I learned a horrible secret: George W. Bush is to blame for global warming. It’s Bush’s fault your basic hurricane, which used to destroy, say, “a city,” n dismantles parts of three states and a federal agency in a single day. I mean, most Americans are against global warming, are pro-environment, and worship a guy whose only possessions were sandals and a robe. Someone must have brainwashed us into our energy-intensive, planet-destroying lifestyles and I think it was Bush.
Looking back, I am sure it was him that tricked me into trading my 1984 Honda Civic (45 mpg) for a minivan, then convinced my entire family to buy SUV’s. My poor mom! And I am equally sure it was Bush who grabbed the NO BLOOD FOR OIL signs from the hands of my protestor friends and forced them to fly to Ireland, Peru and India for “enlightenment.” How else do you explain liberals so cavalierly using so much of the stuff they loathe?
And remember George’s “missing” years in the ‘70’s? He was actually perfecting his Vulcan mind-meld and using it to making whites move to the suburbs to get away from black people; then making them move even farther out to get away from other white people. Yes, Bush’s brainwashing is the reason we now drive six miles for a gallon of milk and 60 miles to work. Once we were out in exurbia, the evil “W.” then hypnotized us into building plastic McMansions with four-car garages and filling them with cars for mom, dad, and the kids, riding lawnmowers, snowmobiles, power-boats, four-wheelers, weed-whackers and leaf-blowers. The horror!
But the greatest demonstration of the powers of Bush was when he telepathically forced President Bill Clinton to look the other way while auto companies went back to making cars with the fuel efficiency of a 1964 Cadillac, then forced Clinton to sign the global trade agreements (GATT, WTA, and NAFTA) that vastly accelerated our pillaging of the planet. W.’s next move was convincing the American public that the resulting economic boom was something “we deserved”-- and might just go on forever! Bush psyched us into thinking our riches came from “visualizing abundance” or “playing the market” instead of taking resources (like oil) from and enslaving (oops, I mean hiring) very, very, poor people to make stuff for us. Genius!
Even today there is little doubt it is evil George that keeps Americans watching “The Sopranos” on big-screen TVs, running air-conditioners day and night, and charging cell phones, iPods, and laptops incessantly so that more and more coal has to be burned to keep the electricity flowing -- making the planet ever more hotter and storms like Katrina ever more likely.
It MUST be George making us do it. Otherwise, now that we have seen on our big American televisions the living hell that is global warming courtesy of Katrina, we would be willing to give up a few things to stop using so much of the oil, coal and gas that causes it. Right?
But relax, don’t worry. If we all die a miserable death, it will be Bush that made us do it.