Sticks, Stones, and Dangerous Words

Guest Opinion

By Greg Holmes | Jan. 3, 2026

One of the worst sayings that I have ever heard in my life is a simple children’s rhyme that goes like this: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

Why is this children’s rhyme so terrible? The saying is completely false. Unless you are a narcissist and/or are in some form of denial, you can quickly recall several times when you have been hurt by what someone said to you. Whether you can be honest about it or not, it’s happened to you, and sadly, it will most likely happen again.

If the saying is indeed false, and hurtful, why has it been wildly used and how did it become so popular? The alleged purpose of the saying was to help individuals form a defense against someone calling them names, trying to bully them, or being verbally abusive in other ways. Basically, the bottom line of the saying is “toughen up, you’re not hurt—it’s only words.”

But the truth is that words are powerful, and can often be used as a form of verbal abuse. They can also have devastating and long-lasting effects. After all, words can break hearts, ruin relationships, and torpedo self-esteem. They can be a contributing factor to serious depression and at times be a trigger to suicide. To claim that they cannot hurt you is not only false, but that false belief can actually lead to increased feelings of self doubt as you become convinced that something is “wrong” with you.

For better or worse, people use words that define our identity from the get go. Basically, we are born with a “tabula rosa” (a blank slate) with no self-definition or identity until it is partially given to us by others, be it encouraging and positive or not. A toddler who accidentally spills something is “clumsy” and can carry that label forward as part of their identity.

One of the most important needs that we have as we develop is for the support, acceptance, and encouragement of others. Sadly, many of us have experienced just the opposite. We have been the victims of name calling, false accusations, and other forms of verbal abuse. These verbal assaults are dangerous and harmful at any age, but particularly so during the highly vulnerable periods of childhood and adolescence.

Unfortunately, negative or dangerous words can be very difficult to challenge, to correct, and to let go of. If they are not corrected, these definitions often become internalized, and form a belief that we carry forward as part of our identity. These beliefs in turn can morph into a self-fulfilling prophecy, where, for example, we are quick to label our thoughts and/or behaviors as an example of a negative label that has been assigned to us.

Although difficult to change once we believe these words to be part of our identity, it is possible to do so. Perhaps the most effective method to rid ourselves of these destructive words and beliefs is by being reintroduced to them in the presence of a healer, such as a psychotherapist, clergy member, or other form of helper.

The purpose of the reintroduction is to examine the origin of the erroneous beliefs and their subsequent emotional impact. Through the use of empathy, compassion, and words of support, the healer helps the client challenge their negative beliefs and assumptions. The goal of the healing process is to replace the negative beliefs about ourselves through positive, inspiring, and objective feedback.

An examination of the possible motivations for someone to verbally attack them can also be helpful. Negative words and phases are often used against someone in an effort to control and manipulate them. A prime example of this is the use of “gaslighting,” where the goal is to create confusion, false beliefs, and self-doubt in someone.

An example of gaslighting is a woman who was afraid she could not make it home from her psychotherapy session because her car was low on gas. When asked why she could not stop at a gas station to fill her car, she replied that her husband had told her that it was “too dangerous” and therefore only he could do so to “protect” her. In actuality, he was afraid she would leave him if she became “too independent.”

The words that we use to define ourselves and each other are powerful and can be either hurtful or healing. Politicians have increasingly resorted to name-calling and verbal assaulting each other instead of engaging in rational dialogue and problem solving. What about the words you use? Even a simple, heartfelt greeting to a stranger can make a positive impact on their day and show them that someone cares enough to stop and say hello.

Being a student of your own speech—both the intention and the choice of words—can make a world of difference in your life and the lives of others.

Greg Holmes lives and writes in Traverse City.