The Seesaw of Self-Esteem

Guest Opinion

By Greg Holmes | April 15, 2023

When was the last time you judged another person? How often do you find yourself putting someone or something down? Be honest now. If you stop and think about it, it’s much more often than you would like to admit.

Why do we spend so much of our precious time and energy criticizing relatively insignificant things about other people, such as how they look, what they wear, and what they believe? And why do we worry so much about what others think about us?

Self-esteem can actually function like a seesaw, which was also known as a teeter-totter. Although seesaws have mostly disappeared from playgrounds, it’s easy to remember how they work. The only way that you could go up on your seat is for the other person to go down.

The motivation for putting others down is almost always to elevate our feelings about ourselves. What is sad and sometimes dangerous is that this motivation often remains hidden from our awareness. We simply continue to be critical and even feel righteous about how we feel. The other person simply “deserves” our judgment, as if we somehow know what is right for them.

It is impossible not to compare ourselves with others. It is a given from the very ground up of our DNA that there will be lots of differences between people. The list is endless, including but not limited to physical characteristics, values, possessions, and achievements.

Differences between people are, of course, normal. The problem begins when those differences are assigned a value, creating opportunities for judgment, jealousy, and derision. This assignment of value comes from many sources, including, but not limited, to political parties, religious institutions, and companies eager to sell us their wares.

We are bombarded each day with images of what is the best thing to buy, the best thing to have, the thing that will give us a leg up on our neighbor. Advertisements frequently feature comparisons between people who have or use their product and the unfortunate others who don’t.

The real issue, however, is not what we are told has value but whether or not we believe that it actually does. We then use those beliefs to judge ourselves and others. If we have low self-esteem, we will be more vulnerable to what other people value—what they feel is right and what is good. From there, it’s a short hop onto the seesaw.

So how is self-esteem developed?

Basically, self-esteem is a feeling of overall confidence in yourself, and it evolves over one’s lifetime. The most important period for development of one’s self-esteem is during childhood when the foundation is laid. A child’s parents are the main source of whether a child feels loved, valued, and respected. A child who feels abandoned, neglected, or harshly criticized by parents develops the feeling that who they are, what they do, what they say is simply not important.

Although it is essential that parents offer unconditional positive regard for their child, parents are not the only ones who influence the development of self-esteem. Teachers, coaches, and peers have an important impact as they can either judge or encourage the child.

An important factor is whether a young person’s ideas, dreams, or interests matter to others or whether these are dismissed or ridiculed. A parent or teacher who summarily criticizes the child’s ideas because they are impractical or “stupid” can actually interfere with the development and expression of the self. (A song that summarizes this dynamic perfectly is Supertramp’s “The Logical Song.”)

When children are in school, the differences between them and their classmates are easy to see. Comparisons about who did better or worse in academics, sports, and extracurricular activities happen all the time. Who has friends, who doesn’t, and differences in social or economic status are all judged and can further affect children who may already be vulnerable to criticism.

How children relate to their peer group in adolescence is super important. Relationships with friends are a major factor to how teens feel about themselves. Not having friends, feeling isolated, and being bullied increases low self-esteem and one’s doubts about oneself.

That leads us to a big question: Can we increase our self-esteem? It is possible, but it’s often very difficult to do so. It’s so easy to stay on the seesaw because we are often unaware that we are on it in the first place. Staying on the seesaw can give us a short-lived feeling of pleasure as it feeds our ego, but, in the end, being critical of others offers at best only pyrrhic victories, not contentment.

Stepping off the seesaw involves taking an honest, deep look at who you really are and the motivations for your behavior. What’s really sad is that after a lifetime of being judged by others and yourself, you may not know who you really are. Find a caring therapist or someone you trust who can help in your journey. Perhaps you will finally find the unconditional positive regard that you have been looking for your entire life.

Greg Holmes lives and writes in Traverse City.