True Love

Guest Opinion

By Greg Holmes | Feb. 11, 2023

My favorite thing about James Taylor’s 1993 album Live is not a particular song, but rather the repartee that he has with an audience member. When a woman shouts out, “I love you, James!”, Taylor quickly replies “I love you too!” After a momentary pause he adds, “Isn’t it great we don’t know each other?”, prompting a burst of laughter from the audience.

What she really knows about Taylor doesn’t matter, at least not in that moment. What’s undeniable, however, is the fact she feels that she does love him.

How is it possible to love someone you don’t know? And what happens when you do?

Anyone who has fallen in love has experienced firsthand the powerful truth of the phrase “ignorance is bliss.” Falling in love is a passive experience, one that requires little or no effort and feels out of your control. We can become infatuated with someone at the beginning of a relationship while experiencing a sense of euphoria. It’s easy to become obsessed with someone that we believe we “love.” But is it true love?

When you are infatuated with someone, who is it that you really love? I’d argue that ignorance is a prerequisite for falling in love. You may be initially attracted to someone, but the instant infatuation that follows is fueled by a false set of your beliefs.

These beliefs consist of your psychological projections of an idealized image of the other person, as well as your fantasies about how a relationship would be. We have unconsciously fallen in love not with the other person as they are, but with parts of ourselves. Infatuation has very little, if anything, to do with who the person actually is.

There’s one thing missing from our infatuation—reality. Walt Whitman described this in his epic poem Leaves of Grass:

“Are you the new person drawn to me? To begin with, take warning. I am surely far different from what you suppose…”

If falling in love is often euphoric, then falling out of love is usually dysphoric. Gradually you come face to face with reality as you discover that the person you fell in love with is not who you imagined them to be. Imperfections and irreconcilable differences reveal themselves and are
often amplified. The idealized person is nowhere to be found. Arguments about differences between the two of you are often magnified through the lens of your disappointment.

You may begin to feel trapped if you have made a premature commitment, and this feeling of being trapped can lead to anxiety, depression, and even psychosomatic disorders if not honestly addressed. It’s not unusual to develop a wandering eye as you search for someone else who you believe would be your ideal match. Depending on circumstances, this search can lead to an affair.

So how does true love differ from infatuation?

The basic difference is that true love, unlike infatuation, is not an impetuous process. It takes considerable time and patience to develop true love, as it requires knowing both yourself and the other person as thoroughly as possible. True love is not “blind” like infatuation. In fact, it is just the opposite—a clear-sighted awareness that comes from difficult, continued effort on the part of both parties.

The person you are attracted to will not be a perfect match with your beliefs, values, and expectations. Expecting perfection in yourself or others never works, and in fact perfection is the enemy of the good.

You realize that there will always be differences, and you are aware and accept that what you see is what you get. You are who you are, and the person of your affection is who they are, and that’s all you both are—period. It is possible for someone to change, but betting the farm that you can change them into your dream person will lead to disappointment, frustration, and failure.

Seeing clearly and loving what is there are important aspects of true love. But just how do we show, or demonstrate this love? True love is more than an emotion. Feelings alone, no matter how strong and honest, are simply not enough. True love also involves willful action. In fact, to love someone is a verb. When someone truly loves another person, you can tell by how they treat them. True love can transform how you see the world.

It is interesting that feelings of hatred are based in ignorance as well. Just as it is impossible to truly love someone you don’t know, it’s impossible to truly hate someone you don’t know. The more you know about someone—their circumstances, their background, their difficulties—the more you will understand them, and the more compassion you will likely have for them.

Who knows? You could even begin to love them.

Greg Holmes lives and writes in Traverse City.