A Gift from Russia: More Single Women are Choosing Motherhood on their Own

March 27, 2002

A spark of joy ignites in the eyes of baby John and his mother Melanie Rieth whenever they look at each other, filling their faces with the kind of love and trust which cements the deepest bonds between two persons.
In a world which is so often filled with sad tales of unwanted children in faraway lands, their‘s is a story of how a simple act of love, kindness and longing can make all the difference for at least two happy lives. That‘s because just a year ago, John was an infant in a Russian orphanage deep in Siberia and Melanie was a single woman who yearned to have a child of her own.
“It was one year ago today that I went to Russia for the first time and met him for 45 minutes,“ Melanie recalls in early March. “Then I had to leave him for two months before I could come back and take him home.“
She notes that the Russian government requires two visits by a would-be parent before an adoption can take place. “It‘s heartbreaking because you go and meet the child and then have to come back,“ she says. “But they want to make sure that people who really want to be parents are serious about it.“
She says she felt an instant connection with John, even when she saw him for the first time on a videotape prepared by an international adoption agency.
“I don‘t have words to describe what it‘s like, but I felt connected to him even from that moment. I never had an experience where the love just exploded, but it was definitely in my life and my heart and soul. I felt like a mom from the very beginning -- there just aren‘t words to describe how you feel.“

A GROWING TREND
An administrator for the past 13 years with a Head Start program offered through the Northwest Michigan Human Services Agency, Reith is one of a growing number of single women who are choosing to start families on their own.
The internet offers numerous websites devoted to single parent adoption and donor insemination as routes to motherhood. The reasons given for going it alone as a parent are diverse. For some women, “Mr. Right“ has not yet come along and the biological clock is ringing. That same holds true for men who haven‘t found “Ms. Right.“ Other would-be parents are gay and marriage is not an option.
Still others feel that marriage is no longer the only way to raise a child in a society in which singlehood has become a long-term lifestyle choice. After all, many women and men have single parenting thrust upon them through divorce or childbirth out of wedlock; so why not go it alone from the get-go? Even Rachel on “Friends“ is thinking of raising her baby on her own.
In Reith‘s case, she had always felt the urge for motherhood, but had never met a man who felt right for marriage.
“When I hit the age of 35 I seriously started thinking about adopting,“ she says. “I‘ve never been married -- although I‘ve had several long-term relationships with men -- and I never thought of myself as marrying. But I always saw myself as being a mother.“

ADOPTION ALTERNATIVE
Reith had been adopted at the age of four herself and had good feelings about adoption.
“I had an amazingly wonderful life growing up,“ she says, adding that she was the youngest of 11 children, born to a couple in Indianapolis.
“Being adopted has really shaped who I am and there was no question in my mind as to how good it can be when I was adopting John.“
The adoption process took two years and two months after she began her search. Since local and U.S.-based adoption agencies tend to discourage single parent adoption, she selected the International Adoption Association (IAA) based in Jenison, MI, to help locate a child.
“I thought I would go to China and adopt a little girl,“ she recalls, “but then the agency asked if I‘d ever thought of adopting a child that looks more like myself and I said sure.“
It turned out that the IAA specialized in East European and Russian adoptions.
“It‘s staggering how many children there are who need a home,“ Reith says. “There are hundreds of thousands of available children.
“It was an expensive, long, frustrating, wonderful process,“ she continues. “Certainly it‘s not for everyone, but there are children all over the world who need adopting.“
Although Reith has a moderate income, she says the $22,000 she spent to adopt John in the way of travel expenses and fees probably isn‘t that much out of line with what some parents spend on a natural birth. And John was a bargain at any cost.
“I know people who wonder about that expense, but now I‘m a mom for the rest of my life, and after the fact, I would have spent a lot more money to make this happen.“

A JOURNEY TO RUSSIA
So it was that Reith found herself on a plane headed east last year in the company of a friend. First to Detroit, then Amsterdam, and then to Moscow where she was met by representatives from the adoption agency. The next day she flew to Chelyabinsk, an aging, impoverished military and industrial town on the other side of the Ural Mountains in Siberia.
She spent three nights in Chelyabinsk during her first visit, visiting with John in an orphanage housing 120 children under the age of three.
“It was clean, but not a seemingly stimulating place for children,“ she says of the orphanage. “But every person I came into contact with there seemed to really care.“
She was especially pleased when eight-month-old John reached out a hand to an orphanage attendant who smiled in response; the gesture showed that even the abandoned children of a poverty-stricken land were being raised with love.
“I had read lots of first account stories about the problems that can come from foreign adoptions, but he always seemed real laid back, mellow and easy,“ she says. “He was not demonstrative at first, but he never felt uncomfortable being held.“
John was born with the name of Yakov to a single mother in her late 20s who already had a six-year-old by another man. The woman wasn‘t working and also had the responsibility of caring for her blind, pensioneered grandfather.
“I‘m sure she made the hardest decision of her life to give her child up to an orphanage,“ Reith says. “I have great respect and admiration for her because her decision gave me a son.“

COMING HOME
After her first meeting with John, Reith was required to return to Russia a second time as part of the process of being sure about the adoption. She never had any doubt; she spent 22 days in Russia on her second trip, applying to the U.S. Embassy for John‘s visa in early June. For a couple of days, she was able to play tourist with her new son in Moscow while the final arrangements were being made.
“There were so many things that were beyond my control -- the language barrier, the adoption process -- I just had to go with the flow.“
So far, she hasn‘t found any problems to being a single mother. “I‘m very lucky to have a supportive family, financially and emotionally,“ she says, adding that her co-workers have also been “extremely supportive“ of her quest.
Since her experience, Reith has heard of many other persons who have adopted internationally, especially from Russia. And single parent adoptions no longer seem all that unusual.
“Maybe 50 years ago I probably wouldn‘t be where I am today because of all the options that are available,“ she says. “The choices just wouldn‘t be the same, so where I‘ve been and who I‘ve become just fits with the times.“
Today John is 21 months old, and although his new mother has anglicized his name, she still likes to call him by the Russian nickname of Yasha.
And to look at the two, you would never be able to tell that they aren‘t related; Melanie and John are the perfect picture of mother and son.
“He was the perfect choice for me -- he‘s just like me -- we‘re both really mellow and easy to get along with... When I walk in to check on him at night I have little tears in my eyes because he‘s so precious.“