October 1, 2023

National News Briefs: Satire Edition

By Stephen Tuttle | April 22, 2023

(Waukesha, WI) – The Waukesha Public School Board today instituted lockdowns for all elementary schools when a passing thunderstorm generated a rainbow. A board spokesperson said, “Rainbows are a controversial symbol, and we don’t believe young children should be exposed to or indoctrinated by them.” Teachers questioning the board’s decision were immediately placed on administrative leave.

(Baton Rouge, LA) – The Republican Party of Louisiana has proposed banning any subject students might find uncomfortable, including racism, the Civil War, slavery, diversity, equality, and even algebra. A party official, who asked to remain anonymous because she was not authorized to speak publicly, said, “It’s time we quit supporting these destructive concepts. The word ‘algebra’ isn’t even an English word; it’s from the Arabic ‘al-jabr’ and it’s not appropriate to subject our students to that kind of propaganda.”

(Austin, TX) – Texas Governor Greg Abbott announced he intends to pardon anyone convicted of murder who has posted racist content on social media and claimed a Stand Your Ground defense. “We can’t allow ultra-liberal woke Texas jurors to keep convicting people just because they murdered someone, especially if the so-called victim was protesting anything. Our Stand Your Ground law, the strongest in the country, allows us to shoot whoever we please, especially protesters. I will pardon all the good Texans who have honorably and legally defended our state’s history and honor.” Abbott said he didn’t care if there was a protocol for pardons he had not followed. “I am the protocol,” he added.

(Atlanta, GA) – U.S. Representative Marjorie Taylor-Greene announced today she intended to hire National Guardsman Jack Teixeira “as soon as he’s acquitted of the false charges against him.” Greene, who once utilized pedophilia advocate Milo Yiannopoulos as a summer intern in her office, said, “Exposing and distributing classified documents is no big deal, and Guardsman Teixeira, who is a good, white christian (sic), will have a welcoming home in my office once the witch hunt against him is over. Any other white christian (sic) leakers will be welcome here, too.”

(Palm Beach, FL) – Former President Donald Trump announced he intends to present Presidential Medals of Freedom to Russian President Vladimir Putin, Chinese President Xi Jinping, and North Korean Supreme Leader for Life Kim Jong Un “... as soon as I’m reelected in 2024.” Additionally, Trump announced plans to create new tax deductions for anyone participating in the Jan. 6 riots at the Capitol because they know his 2020 election loss was “the biggest fraud and hoax ever perpetrated in the history of the world.”

Okay, the above items aren’t exactly true, but all are based on outrages that are.

In Waukesha, for example, a first grade class at Heyer Elementary School had been rehearsing a song by Miley Cyrus and featuring Dolly Parton called “Rainbowland.” The song is intended as a positive message about loving each other in these contentious times. It does not mention or reference the LGBTQ+ community at all, but the Waukesha School Board deemed it “too controversial” for first grade students and ordered them to sing something else. When the teacher revealed that decision to the public, she was put on administrative leave.

The Republican Party in Louisiana has recommended public schools abolish teaching about our history of racism because it is too “divisive.” They did not say how they expect schools to teach U.S. history without ever mentioning racism—or, one assumes, slavery, since that is the epitome of racism.

Texas Governor Greg Abbott has stated he intends to pardon convicted murderer Daniel Perry who shot and killed a Black Lives Matter protester. Perry claimed a Stand Your Ground defense, but the 12 men and women on his jury rejected that defense. Perry had previously commented on social media, among other racist rants, that he’d like to kill BLM protesters and compared them to monkeys.

Marjorie Taylor-Greene has not indicated she would hire classified document leaker Jack Teixeira, but she did offer effusive praise and support while referring to him as a “white, male, christian (sic)” despite his leaking documents that could endanger U.S. intelligence assets. Teixeira allegedly leaked the documents to a gaming site where they were readily available to anyone accessing the site. (And Yiannopoulos did work as a summer intern in Taylor-Greene’s office.)

Former President Trump has not indicated he would award Medals of Freedom to three of the world’s most oppressive dictators, but he did offer plenty of praise for them. He said Putin, Xi, and Kim are all “top of the line” and, bizarrely, that Xi is so smart and charismatic Hollywood could never find someone to play him. Trump did not offer comparable praise to any of our actual allies. He has not proposed tax deductions for Jan. 6 rioters but has suggested he might pardon those convicted of crimes.


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