Shelter from the Storm

Nov. 23, 2005

When Karen’s ex-husband came into town for a one-month stay last February, he wanted to visit with his eight-year-old daughter and take her downstate for a week. But it worried Karen.w It had been two-and-a-half years since he had last seen his daughter, and Karen’s memory was seared with the pain of past exchanges. He would scream and yell obscenities at Karen, while holding his five-year-old daughter in his arms.
Karen said her ex-husband left Traverse City in anger, abandoning his daughter and moving permanently out West. By the time he came back to visit last winter, Karen had gained full custody.
To help her daughter avoid seeing another eruption, Karen planned to conduct the exchange at a police station. But an employee at Friend of the Court contacted her about a new program called Safe Haven, which provides a safe place for supervised visitations and child exchanges, as well as for the reunification of families. The court mandated that her husband visit with his daughter three times under supervision before he was allowed to take her on a downstate trip.

ESTRANGED PARENTS
Safe Haven provides a secure place for estranged parents to arrive at separate entrances and at staggered times. Safe Haven determines whether a staff person needs to be in the room with the parent during visitation or observed through a one-way mirror (it depends on the court referral and space constraints). In some instances, the child spends his or her time off-site with mom or dad following a supervised exchange. The exchange center is located at Child and Family Services of Northwestern Michigan on Veterans Drive in Traverse City.
“It was so much better than dropping her off at the police station. I can’t say enough about Safe Haven,” Karen said. “It made my life a lot easier. He would get there 15 minutes ahead of time. They would put him in a separate conference room. When I arrived 15 minutes later, I would come in at the lower level so we never had to see each other. I didn’t even know the program existed. I had asked for exchanging at the police station, but this is better. The police don’t really want to deal with that. Their time is better spent protecting people out in the city.”
Karen said the staff also helped deal with her daughter, who felt sick and feverish on the day of the scheduled visit.
“I told her, ‘You have to go. If you really are sick we can worry about it then.’ But when she got through the door, the Safe Haven staff made her feel so comfortable that she went ahead and met with her dad. They are so well trained in how to handle children, they make it a really positive experience. It just eased the tension so my daughter felt comfortable and was able to have a relationship with her dad.”

PARENTAL COACHING
In addition to providing a safe place for visitations, the staff also coaches parents on the vital importance of not saying negative things about each other in front of their child.
“We tell them, if you can’t say something nice, say nothing -- if you want healthy kids,” says Mary Lou Williams, who coordinates Safe Haven. “It’s the same advice you learned in kindergarten. We tell the parents that the kids are half of both of you and you need to do what’s best for them. Slowly but surely, both parents realize it’s time to move on.”
Parents say they are much more relaxed at the drop-off and their children feel more secure, as well. With just one parent in the room, the child feels free to fully love her dad without judgment from the other parent, Williams said.
Williams feels that Safe Haven is one of the most effective programs to date dealing with domestic violence. The children are happier and safe, and it has significantly reduced episodes of violence between the estranged parents, as well as court appearances owing to violations of personal protection orders.
“Safety is No. 1 here. I have seen women so afraid. But here they don’t have to worry. Safe Haven is safe,” Williams said.
Karen’s ex-husband hasn’t seen his daughter since February, but recently wrote that he would return to town and try to see her again.
“I’m so grateful I have Safe Haven in case that happens,” said Karen.

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Safe Haven is a division of Child and Family Services of Northwestern Michigan at 3785 Veterans Drive in Traverse City. Operational since April of 2003, it is funded through user fees, as well as a national grant by Violence Against Women. Donations are appreciated and needed.
Typically, families are referred to the program through the court system. However, it’s also possible to become involved in the program through an attorney referral.
The program serves many counties and is available to anyone in the community. A satellite office in Bellaire has also opened.
For more information on how to participate in the program, call Mary Lou Williams at
946-8975, ext. 1008.