Just Trippin‘... An offbeat summer vacation guide

June 8, 2005

   It’s time to start thinking about where you’re going to go on your summer vacation. That’s assuming you’re not one of those people who had it all lined up and booked before Labor Day. Labor Day 2003, that is. 
     It’s true you could rent a house at the beach, go back and see how much the world’s largest ball of ear wax has grown in a year, or sit in the driveway turning the steering wheel and making vroom-vroom noises because you can’t afford to fill the gas tank, but that’s old, boring news. 
  It’s time to take a “Haven’t been there, haven’t done it” vacation, one that will make your office mates jealous, earn an “A” for your kid’s “What I did on my vacation since I have it so easy that I don’t have to work” essay, and keep the neighbors up late wondering what you’ve been smoking. And why you didn’t offer any to them. 
    So put down that travel brochure, hang up on that time-share salesperson, and get ready to call the family together and see their faces light up when they hear that you’re going to Argentina.

THE DEBT MUSEUM
     That’s right, the first stop is fabulous Buenos Aires, Argentina. Sure you could go to see the Casa Rosada, take tango lessons, or check out the mini-Statue of Liberty just like -- yawn! -- everyone else does, but why bother when you can take the family to the brand new Museum of Foreign Debt? It’s fun! It’s exciting! It’s the only place in the world where you can learn about the dangers of borrowing too much foreign money by exploring a spongy “black hole” which represents where the money ends up. You know, kind of like that fixer-upper house you bought only on a national level. 
   You’ll be thrilled by the play kitchen with its empty refrigerator and freezer that symbolizes -- gasp -- the bad recipes of the International Monetary Fund. You’ll scream with delight at the exhibits documenting Argentina’s economic hell, from its first monetary default in the early 1800s to the Big One in 2001 that led to -- yes! -- catastrophic economic collapse. 
    Before you leave, make sure to stop at the gift shop filled with worthless pesos you can purchase by the wheelbarrow, unaffordable Argentinean beef, and a Madonna dartboard, the perfect way to seek revenge for her butchering “Evita.” It’s cheaper than Disneyland and more educational than a month in the DeBeers Diamond Mines.

OTHER OPTIONS
   A little closer to home -- assuming you don’t live in Uruguay -- is Pico Rivera, California, where you can take a stroll down Dork Street. Though it’s actually just another residential neighborhood outside Los Angeles, it’s not often you’ll get to look up at a street sign and feel so at home. 
     If you’re looking for a vacation that’s both fun and educational, forget it. Just kidding. Actually kids like nothing more than to go on a trip that will give them something to tell their therapist years from now, and filling their summer break with educational opportunities is just the ticket. 
    That’s why you should consider taking them to Dickensworld. Well, that and the fact that it’s a safe bet you’ll be the only ones on the block who have done it. Okay, the city. Maybe the state. 
    Dickensworld, which is just now being built in Kent, England, is a theme park based on the life and works of Charles Dickens. Sure the idea of seeing children working in sweatshops and creepy older men hanging around groups of young kids sounds a lot like touring a Nike factory or visiting the Neverland Ranch, but this is different. 
    Described as “a journey through history with a few thrills and spills,” you’ll be able to scream with delight as you walk through the spooky Bleak House, ride the Oliver Twisty roller coaster, and see David Copperfield perform nightly. After you leave you’re sure to say, “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.” Who needs Great America when you have Great Expectations?

DEEP-FRIED HOT DOG
      What vacation would be complete without plenty of road food, and since you know how that can put the weight on you might want to consider combining eating with a diet plan. That’s why there’s the “Eat ‘Til You Drop Pounds” road trip. 
      The first stop is Mulligan’s, a bar outside Atlanta, for a “Hamdog.” This is a hot dog wrapped in a beef patty that’s deep fried, covered with chili, cheese and onions, and served on a hoagie bun. Did I mention that it’s topped with a fried egg and two handfuls of fries? 
   If you still feel like eating, you can follow it up with their “Luther Burger,” a bacon cheeseburger served on a bun made out of two Krispy Kreme doughnuts. Yum!
     The next stop is Denny’s Beer Barrel Pub in Clearfield, PA where you can get the world’s largest hamburger. The Beer Barrel Belly Buster is a 10.5-lb burger that comes with 25 slices of cheese, a head of lettuce, three tomatoes, two onions, a cup-and-a-half each of mayonnaise, relish, ketchup, mustard and banana peppers. Served on a bun, of course. It costs $30 and if you eat it within three hours you’ll get a T-shirt, a certificate, and the burger for free. A stomach pump is extra.
   Take your choice. Whether you opt for education, fiscal responsibility lessons, or appetite suppressant, this year’s vacation possibilities mean one thing -- maybe revisiting the world’s largest ball of ear wax isn’t such a bad idea after all. At least you’ll be able to say, “My how you’ve grown” without feeling like, well, a dork.

 More Mad Dog can be found online at: www.maddogproductions.com .  

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