Best Blunders

March 28, 2007

Best Blunders
Local bloopers, bungles and bumps from the last year

NOT A LEG TO STAND-BY ON
A Northwest Airlines gate agent in Traverse City recently bumped an older gentleman off a flight who had a leg amputation scheduled in Detroit that morning. The airline is now awating a heart transplant.

EVER HAVE TROUBLE FINDING YOUR CAR AT THE MALL? TRY THE NEAREST UTILITY POLE.
State Police Trooper David Meder drove his SUV from Brady’s Bar in TC straight into a utility pole on Peninsula Drive last May. Apparently forgetting what had just happened, he called his insurance agent and filed a stolen vehicle report.

HELLO MR. IMMIGRATION MAN PLEASE ENJOY MY SPECIALTY DISH, I FOO U.
The Chinese couple who owned China One in Charlevoix pled guilty in August to three counts of attempted racketeering and tax fraud and turned over $115,000 and their car to the Charlevoix County prosecutor’s office. Yet Yong Sheng Dong, an illegal resident, recently re-opened another Chinese restaurant. “This is CRAZY,” said Assistant Prosecutor Shaynee Fanara. “This guy pled guilty to three felonies and has had deportation orders since the 1990s, and he’s still here. I’d love to have the INS explain how this happened.“

DAMN THOSE PARENTS FOR CARING!
Traverse City School Board Prez Gerald Morris said parents were “inappropriate” for the way they raised concerns about the reform math in the Traverse City school district. Thank you Mr. Morris. Next time, the parents will simply shut up and slink away.

YOU’RE IN GOOD HANDS
WITH SARA LEE
Sara Lee’s food division made more than $2 billion last year, but wouldn’t ante up $33,000 for the life insurance of long-time employee Terry Bull. He didn’t know he had to pay for his life insurance benefit during his extended lay-off. He died of a massive heart attack the day before he was called back to work.
“TAKE THAT! FOR REPORTING EXACTLY WHAT I SAID!”
The local sheriff and police chief cancelled face-to-face media “briefings” in the morning, and will issue press releases from now on. GT County Sheriff Scott Fewins put a stop to the briefings after the media reported what he said one morning: A man suspected of theft was “on the run.” In fact, the man was in jail, comfortably watching the news of his disappearance on TV.

SMACKDOWN!
State Senator Michelle McManus announced that she would introduce a bill this year that would beam sunshine on secret campaign accounts. The same kind of accounts that State Senator Jason Allen took heat for last year.

THE BLUE PLATE GLASS
SPECIAL AWARD
Former TC City Commissioner Rick Csapo said he was actually trying to calm down his wife, but others swear they saw him smash her head against a plate glass window of the former Ford dealership on West Front Street.

SMOKESCREEN
Amid the election woes of Sen. Jason Allen last year, was the revelation that he refused to move a proposed smoking ban out of committee in 2004, shortly after receiving $2,000 from Brown and Williamson Tobacco Co. Didn’t hurt him though. He clobbered Democratic opponent Shari Unger in the November election and celebrated with a stinky cigar.

NEXT TIME JUST GIVE ME
A GOLD WATCH
Instead of throwing a party for a retiring deputy, sergeants of the Benzie County Sheriff’s Department staged a mock shoot-out at a repair shop to scare the hell out of him.

I ONLY BUY IT FOR THE CENTERFOLD
Ross Childs began a crusade last year to protest the aggressive reporting of the Traverse City Record-Eagle. In a letter to a Dow Jones executive (the paper’s former parent company), he complained about the paper “pandering to lurid curiosity… So we get more stories about gay couples, about the heroic Vagina Monologues and detailed descriptions of sexual crimes.” The paper, by the way, was bought last year by a corporate group. No one was fired except the lurid sex reporter.

IF THEY HAD ONLY PASSED OUT LOAVES AND FISH
Last summer saw the TC premier of the Cloverfest Festival, a Christian music extravaganza that drew top performers from around the state. Unfortunately, it didn’t draw much of an audience.

THE GREATEST WONDER
OF THE WORLD
How did the DEQ ever allow Bay Harbor developer David Johnson to simply cover up toxic cement kiln dust piles with six inches of dirt, and then promise him they’d never sue him if arsenic and heavy metals leaked out? A burning question from Little Traverse Bay.

TIT FOR TAT
Torch Lake residents tried to get a judge to pre-empt a floating rock concert on the Torch Lake sandbar last summer, but he refused, saying he couldn’t stop them from breaking the law when they weren’t actually breaking a law. The concert took place, and organizers later agreed they wouldn’t hold another TorchFest, unless at least five lake residents agreed to bare their breasts for a free beer.

A RIVER RUNS THROUGH IT…
A YELLOW RIVER
People drink, people pee … all day long on the sandbar of Torch Lake. Yuck.

“IT’S OUR LAW, BUT IT’S NOT OUR CURRENT LAW”
That’s City Attorney Peter Doren, explaining a Traverse City ordinance that’s been on the books since 1969, which requires that residents vote on all major developments that use public funds. Doren added that the law is a “legal nullity.” Granted, perhaps, with the approval of a Catholic priest and only if a building did not have sex before its first blueprint?

AIN’T NO SUNSHINE WHEN SHE’S GONE
TC Commissioner Deni Scrudato was criticized during a TC Commission meeting for seeking a second legal opinion, after hearing the above legal analysis.

MAYBE SOMEONE SHOULD TELL HIM ABOUT THE VOTE
Perhaps unaware that Traverse City voters rejected the downtown parking deck proposal by a 71% landslide last summer, Grand Traverse County Brownfield member Peter Strom opined that opposition to using Brownfield money for the same deck was “ludicrous.”

GO AHEAD, I DARE YA TO HIT ME ONE MORE TIME
Charlevoix County lost a $50,000 judgment to whistleblower John Jarema, who was fired after reporting fraud by then Charlevoix Prosecutor Mary Beth Kur. In a later ruling, Kur was found responsible for harassing two secretaries who had testified on Jarema’s behalf, and the county lost a $1.1 million verdict. After settling that verdict, the county re-retaliated by canceling one of the secretary’s health benefits. She filed a new lawsuit, which the county recently settled for “under $300,000.”

SOMEBODY’S LISTENING TO TOO MUCH RUSH
WTCM talk radio host Ron Jolly explained in the Traverse City Business News that women workers aren’t discriminated against; they intentionally choose lower paying jobs. “It’s a sign of freedom.”

MUSHROOMS LOVE THE SHADE
Ever notice that without the sunbeam of publicity, Munson Medical Center just keeps spreading?

YOU’RE SO INCOMPETENT, I CAN’T TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY AS A CROOK
Circuit Judge Phil Rodgers gave Ryan Goff a light sentence, saying he was such a lousy criminal that he failed to do anyone much harm. Goff, 21, tucked a frozen mouse into a Taco Bell burrito last January and promptly called the regional manager with a veiled threat. Then he took the “stufft” burrito to the vet’s office and health department, where he chatted about the case of the lady suing McDonald’s over a cup of scalding coffee.

THE ONE-SLAPP SHOPPING STORE
Meijer has filed no less than seven lawsuits against Acme Township and twice sued township officials personally. Circuit Judge Phil Rodgers most recently threw out what’s known as a SLAPP suit (Strategic Lawsuits against Public Participation) and asked Meijer to please accept the harsh reality of local government trying to do its job.

LARRY, MO AND CURLY
In response to a defamation suit brought by the Elmwood Township supervisor, two former township officials claimed they did or did not attend a meeting together, did or did not do the mailing together, and did or did not believe the flier they mailed or did not mail was untrue. Neek-neek-neek-neek!

POLITICAL POWER MEANS NEVER HAVING TO SAY YOU’RE SORRY
Convicted former East Bay Township Supervisor Joseph Bartko, under a court order to make a public apology to township taxpayers last year, read his statement. He said “I’m [garbled].” Impressed with his sincerity, half the crowd stomped out.